This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Happy Hour: Metta and Wisdom

So for the theme of our practice together at this moment in time, we've been exploring metta^[1]—cultivating goodwill, friendliness, and loving-kindness. There are so many different names and nuances of this practice. We've been exploring them for the past few sessions with the theme of what's called the paramis^[2], or the ten perfections. There are ten beautiful qualities that the Buddha taught as perfections of the heart. So tonight, one of the qualities I wanted to invite us to explore with respect to metta is the quality of paññā^[3], wisdom.

We are looking at the quality of wisdom in this relationship with metta, loving-kindness. And this seems particularly timely because last time on Monday when I taught, at the end, questions came up about the balance between love and cultivating care for someone, and also caring for yourself. This sense of safety and security for yourself, not being like a doormat. Does metta mean you have to become really soft and gentle all the time and not protect yourself? Absolutely not. That's really the element of wisdom that comes into metta, because metta needs to have an element of wisdom in it.

There is this expression in Tibetan Buddhism that they use: they call it "idiot compassion." Idiot compassion is a type of compassion that has no wisdom in it. It actually is not really compassion. It's enabling. It's enabling another person. An easy example of this is if there's a child and the child wants to eat a big bucket of ice cream. "Oh, you go ahead, I love you. Yeah, just eat the whole bucket of ice cream." There's no wisdom in it. It's masquerading as love. It's masquerading as care, but it really isn't, because it doesn't have an aspect of wisdom in it. What would be more caring is saying, "I love you. Therefore, one serving of ice cream is enough. You're going to get a stomach ache and a headache. Your sugar will be through the roof and you'll be jumping up and down." So, it's more compassionate, actually. The more compassionate act is to say, "No, enough ice cream," even though from the outside it may not seem compassionate. But really, that aspect of wisdom makes the compassion function in a healthy way.

So with that as the invitation tonight, we'll be exploring metta—the cultivation of kindness, friendliness, and goodwill for ourselves and others—with and potentially without experiencing wisdom, to see what that might feel like so that we tune better into these qualities. Again, these are all invitations. We'll see what comes up.

Guided Meditation

Having said that, I'd like to invite us all into our meditation posture. If you need to move and shift to become comfortable, [sighs] taking a position that is comfortable for you. If you need to move or lie down, that's perfectly fine if your body needs that right now.

[sighs] Landing and sitting in your seat. Resting in this body, and for this moment with wisdom, with care. Letting go of all the thoughts and thinking, all the words, all the doing that has come before. And knowing that in general, there is nothing wrong with thinking. But in this moment, out of wisdom, out of care for yourself, choosing to offer up, choosing to let go, choosing renunciation of what has come before in order to give your heart, in order to give yourself fully to this practice in this moment.

So offering up [sighs] what has come before, maybe with an exhale. Offering up [sighs] the thinking mind. And maybe with another deep, intentional breath, [sighs] landing in this body, inhabiting this body fully, inhabiting this moment. And maybe with one more deep breath and exhale, opening your body up, your heart up fully to this practice, to this exploration in this moment.

Letting each breath, as it's breathed naturally in and out of this body, empty you. Become emptied more and more as if you were a cup of tea. A cup of tea that now holds stale, cold tea. You need to gently pour out the cold, stale tea so that your heart and your body can be filled up with fresh tea. So with each breath, letting the tension, the thoughts, the old cold tea, the staleness be poured out, emptied. Emptied with each outbreath. Settling more, emptying more. Emptying the vessel of what does not serve in this moment, in preparation for offering our heart, our vessels to goodness, filling it with goodness. Let's practice emptying with each breath. Just a few minutes of emptying. Resting, being breathed.

And let the pouring out, the emptying be with ease, with gentleness. With wisdom for what isn't serving in this moment. Not out of harshness or ill will, but out of reverence and care. Now, if you're visited by thoughts and memories and plans, it's okay. It's part of this practice. See if you can gently, playfully gather them up and offer them up to emptiness. Poof. Returning attention and awareness to the body, to the breath. Enjoying the process of emptying, cleansing. The breath is cleansing, emptying, relaxing.

Now I would like to invite you, if you wish, to bring to mind some being for whom you have care and affection. That when you think of this being, there's a sense of care, warmth, safety maybe that arises for you. Maybe a smile, a sense of love, a friend, a teacher, a parent, or maybe a child you care about. Maybe a pet, someone you have an uncomplicated relationship with. Ideally, not expectations and chores. Let's just start simple, and always practice with someone else later. Or maybe this is now the later. Choosing this being and bringing them into your mind's eye. Letting them sit right in front of you, and seeing what arises in your heart. A sense of care, friendliness, goodwill, wishing them well, wanting them to be happy. And tuning into what arises in your body, in your heart, however mild it might feel, as this felt sense of metta, kindness, goodwill, loving-kindness.

And from this feeling which arises from their felt sense, their image—keep their image, their felt sense in your mind's eye. If that is lost, the whole practice can get kind of weak and wane. So keeping their image or felt sense in mind, tune into what arises in your heart, that sense of goodwill and care. And from that sense of care, friendliness, and goodwill, let there be the phrases of metta. Your own phrases, or the traditional ones which I'll offer today.

"May you be safe. May you be safe from inner and outer harm, dear one. May you be safe."

"May you be happy. May you be happy and have joy in your heart, dear one." Or maybe you can say their name if you wish. "Dear so and so." See what works best for you.

The third metta phrase: "May you be healthy and strong, dear one."

And the last metta phrase: "May your life flow with ease. May you take care of yourself happily, dear one."

Keeping their image in mind. If it's waning, make it a little brighter, bringing more energy. That will naturally bring more connection, the sense of connection that you have in your heart to them, which could be mild or could be big, either way. Feeling a sense of connection. And from there, the phrases of metta. "May you be safe. May you be safe, dear one. May you be happy, dear one. May you be healthy, dear one. May your life flow with ease, dear one."

You're invited to experiment with putting the palm of your hand on your heart center, the center of your chest. Not your heart, which is on the left side, but the heart center in the middle of the chest. And really make a connection with yourself as you're sharing your goodwill, your goodness, with this other being. Cultivating your own heart in gladness and goodwill, bringing their image to mind. Feeling your heart's connection. The way they make you feel safe, happy, warm. The way you care about this being. Connecting with that, letting the phrases of metta arise. "May you be safe. I wish you safety. May you be happy. May you be healthy. And may you have ease." At your own time, letting the phrases flow, connecting to the feeling and the image.

Now I'd like to invite you to let this feeling of care, this warmth, wash over yourself, this being that is you. Turning your goodwill, your goodness onto yourself. Still connecting with your heart center with the palm of your hand. "May I be safe. May I enjoy safety. May I be safe from inner and outer harm." Letting it wash over you, letting it land, be received. This blessing from yourself soaked into your body. "May I be safe. May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be happy." [sighs and gasps] Receiving it. "May I be happy." Letting each cell of your body soak in a sense of happiness. The wish for happiness. "May I be healthy. May I be healthy." Receiving the wish for health. Your body feeling vital and healthy. "I wish for my body, this body to be healthy. May I have ease, may my life flow with ease. May I be peaceful." Letting it flow through you, into you, into your cells, receiving ease. "May I have ease? May I have ease in this life? May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I have peace?"

And now I'd like to invite you again to bring to mind, to invite into this field of metta, this dear being that you were sharing your goodwill with. And sharing now both your goodwill, your metta both for them and for yourself as if it were radiating out of your heart center, the center of your chest. This goodwill, friendliness, and care radiating out, contacting, connecting with yourself first, showering you, reverberating through your own body. Ah, these wishes for well-being. They keep reverberating out your goodwill, washing over and reverberating through this being that you care about. This feeling of metta, goodwill, and care for yourself and for another. A field of metta, a field of care that you're sitting in. Your heart radiating a sense of goodwill that partly belongs to you and partly doesn't. It's universal. It's as if your heart is recycling the care, the love that's in the world, available to you in the universe, like a fountain. Love coming in and going out. Not yours to produce, just yours to share with yourself and with others.

And now I'd like to invite you, if you wish, to explore a sense of care and metta for this being that you care about as it radiates out and is freely offered. Explore it in this moment as if it didn't have the element of wisdom. As if it didn't have the benefit of that being and your own benefit in mind. There are so many ways that metta can be devoid of wisdom. I'll offer one scenario. You can think of others that may be your habitual pattern.

One shape, one form of metta without wisdom is enabling, but it shows up as care. In this care, this love that's radiating, it knows that this being that you care about is doing something that's not beneficial for them, but it continues to give them metta without speaking up, without concern for the benefit to this being. Maybe out of fear that they will not like you back. Can you feel in your bones what metta without wisdom might feel like? Idiot metta, which is not really metta in the sense of strength of care, of love with wisdom for this other being. What it can look like, what it can feel like. Even if you feel into it for one second, a millisecond, even if it's just an opening, that's good enough right now.

Now I'd like to invite you, if you wish, to explore another version of metta without wisdom that involves you as a being. Feel the sense of care you have for this being, the sense of love. Suppose they do something unintentionally harmful to you and you feel hurt. Again, they've done it unintentionally in this particular scenario. Feeling into wise metta for yourself would be to take care of yourself. Consider that your hurt is important, is worthy of care, of attention, of speaking up. Speaking about the impact of the hurt on you, even if that was not the intention, with forgiveness, but worthy of protecting, loving, and caring for this being that is you. Not forsaking, not forgetting. An element of care, metta, and wisdom that says, "This is not right. I feel hurt and I would not want this repeated again." A sense of strength, clarity, wisdom, and yet care for yourself, for this other being that you care about, and for this relationship, the connection that you have that is important and sacred. See if you can feel into the strength of metta with wisdom in this case.

For the last moments of this practice, letting go of all these explorations, these scenarios. [sighs] Coming back to the body, letting the breath move with care. Relaxing, softening, emptying. Letting this last moment be a sense of care that you hold yourself in and you're held in.

Reflections

Welcome back everyone. I'd love to hear any reflections that may have come up for you from this practice. Anything that became clear or muddled, any reflections you'd like to share, you can unmute yourself. You're welcome to, or you can type in chat.

And I'll start by sharing. For me, as I was leading and of course experiencing, I led from my own practice. The sense of, especially if there is a sense of hurt or conflict, the sense of metta with wisdom for yourself, for the other being, and for the relationship—this beautiful connection that I call a sacred connection. Wisdom really takes care, has a sense of all those elements and the sense of care, metta for all of those elements. So I found that to be particularly powerful for me as I was leading, to really grok the power of that, how strengthening that can be. So your turn, go.

Katie: Hi Nikki, it's Katie. I was wondering what your thoughts were when you talked about metta with wisdom, especially with someone that caused unintentional hurt. I was reflecting on some family members and how I would speak up, but I would be minimized or there would be denial. So it got to the point where I was kind of like, what's the point in speaking up? So I was wondering if you had any thoughts or any wisdom on how to deal with that?

Nikki: Thank you, Katie. Wisdom can look very different in different situations. Sometimes in what you're describing, the wisdom can be if you've tried, you've tried, and the lack of wisdom would be to continue to try and try the same way. Maybe the wisdom in this case would be to change something else. Maybe your own behavior, showing up differently in the situation. We often say, "Don't preach Buddhism, be a Buddha." So maybe a different way that you show up would change the system dynamics. I'm not sure if this is an example, but clearly in what you're talking about, continuing to speak up and say the same thing is just going to antagonize people more.

Katie: Yeah. Thank you.

Nikki: Other reflections, please. What else came up for you? You're welcome to type it in chat also. It could be just a word or a phrase.

Lisa: Hi Nikki.

Nikki: Hi Lisa.

Lisa: With the enabling, imagining the enabling lack of metta, what came up for me that was unexpected was it seemed to not include metta for self. Like I was feeling, "Oh, I'm not caring for myself in doing that."

Nikki: Yeah. Nice. Beautiful. Thank you for bringing that in, that insight. Of course, enabling is a lack of wisdom, a lack of care for self. Thank you, Lisa. Beautiful. Reflections. Hi Paula.

Paula: Hi. It's late so I usually don't turn my video on. When you were talking about if I have done something to harm that person that I had in my thoughts... I don't know exactly how to say this, but if I did that same harm to myself, like if I'm beating myself up in my own mind with my own negative self-talk. I'm not really sure what the question is, but that really was profound to me. How I do that to myself almost as much, if not more so, than to another human. So I appreciate going back to that. I can just start again rather than getting in that loop and keep saying, "Oh, now look what you've done, or now look what you said, or you said the wrong thing." Whatever I say to myself, I can start over. I can start with my breath again.

Nikki: Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you, Paula. I so appreciate the insight that came up for you realizing, "Oh, if you were treating others with the same harshness at times that we treat ourselves..." Wow. The lack of wisdom and lack of care in that. And to just go, "Start again, start again, start again."

Paula: It's so easy to stay in that loop.

Nikki: Yeah, exactly. Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. Thank you.

And we have a couple of offerings from Sharon and Nav. Sharon offers, "For me, in taking care of myself, it could actually be difficult and mean you have to withdraw from someone you love." Yeah. Sometimes it can mean that. Unfortunately, if there is hurt in this practice, the invitation is not to throw anyone out of your heart, even if they may not be in your life for a limited time, or if their pattern of hurt continues, you may choose that it's not appropriate for that being to be in your life period. Again, this is not the case you're talking about, but just in general, raising that as a way to care for oneself with wisdom, and care for the other person and the relationship in a way. Maybe that is the best way to care for the relationship, for people not to be in each other's lives.

And Nav offers, "Becoming familiar with the felt sense of love to others to see it when it arises subtly." Beautiful. Thank you, Nav.

And Phil offers, "Love can be unconditional, but relationships can't be." Love that, Phil. I think you really epitomized the difference between unconditional love and relationships. What you wrote is quotable: Love can be unconditional, but relationships can't be. I love it. Can I use it again, Phil, in the future? Love can be unconditional, but relationships can't be. Lovely.

So, time is running. I so appreciate all the reflections. Let's turn our attention now to practicing with metta and wisdom for ourselves and in groups. Can we hold ourselves with metta and care as we relate to a couple of other human beings? Whatever comes out of your mouth, "How was this practice period?" is the prompt you'll share for a couple of minutes. "It was great. It was terrible. I fell asleep. Didn't like it." It doesn't really matter what you say, but how you hold yourself with care and wisdom as you share it, and as you hold others with care.

So I'm going to create the rooms for this small period of interaction. And if it's not right for you, it's okay to bow out if out of wisdom, not out of fear. If out of wisdom you decide, but maybe the wisdom says, "Let me try it out tonight. Let me see what it's like." So, I'm going to create the rooms now. Here we go.

Okay, the rooms are all closed. Everyone is back and we have a couple of minutes for reflections, especially if you haven't spoken before. We'd love to hear from you about your practice specifically this evening with metta and wisdom and maybe in groups. Please go.

Megan: I'll just say [laughter] it's not directly related to the meditation, but today is my birthday and I actually had plans this evening and they got cancelled kind of at the last minute and I was very bummed about that. But I'm very happy that I could join happy hour and had just a very sweet meditation. I had spoken with a friend for like an hour and a half right before this and she was telling me about some difficulties and I was feeling a lot of compassion with her when I was on the phone, and then that sort of just blossomed during the meditation. So it was nice.

Nikki: Aw, that's sweet. So, I'm going to ask everyone to unmute themselves in this moment. And we're going to end tonight's happy hour by singing a heartfelt happy birthday to Megan. It's going to sound like cacophony over Zoom, but let's do it. Let's start. Happy birthday to you. Enjoy the cacophony, [laughter] Megan. Happy birthday to you. [laughter] Happy birthday [singing] again. Happy birthday. [laughter] [cheering]

Oh, that was fun. Thank you, Megan, for sharing that and for coming to happy hour. So happy to see you and so happy you were born, dear. And in the ways that you're serving the world that I know you will. And so yay, precious human birth and happy, happy birthday.

So, ah well I'm happy now. I feel happier especially after having sung happy birthday. How about you guys?

Participants: Yeah. Yeah.

Nikki: Great. Beautiful. What a great way to end a happy hour. This is fantastic. So, thank you again, Megan, for sharing your birthday eve with us. Yeah. A sweet happy birth. And I see flowers. I noticed the flowers back there. So, yay. Flowers make me happy. So, well, may all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including us and especially Megan. Take good care everyone. Good evening, good day, good morning, good everything. Bye bye.

Participants: Thank you. Bye.