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Happy Hour: Metta and Gratitude for Those No Longer in Our Lives

Introduction

Hello everyone. Hi, and welcome to Happy Hour. If you can hear me okay, if the audio is all right, if you would give me a thumbs up—yes, great. Fantastic. We have a couple of minutes before we get started formally, so it's always a nice ritual to hear hellos from folks who are here. I'll start. I'm Nikki, and I am in Mountain View, California, USA. You're welcome to unmute yourself and say hello or type it in the chat, and I will read them. So take it away.

[Various people say hello from different locations: Sausalito, Utah, New York, Dallas, Burlingame, Berkeley, Houston.]

All right, y'all, let's get started. As I always explain, I change the settings so that during the little talk I give, and especially for the guided meditation when we're all silent, the chats will all come to me, and the ability to unmute oneself will go away, just in case we get visited by Zoom bombers, to provide some more safety in the container. And always remember, this is being recorded for AudioDharma, where these talks are available besides YouTube.

Hello and welcome, dear ones. I'm delighted to see you, whether you are a regular at Happy Hour—and I'm delighted to see many of you regulars—or whether this is your very first time. I'm delighted to be with you and to practice. Good evening, good morning, whatever your time zone might be—I see some folks joining from Asia.

For the theme for tonight's practice, we are exploring the practice of cultivating metta^[1]—loving-kindness, goodwill, warm-heartedness. There are so many different words you can translate metta as, love being one of them. This practice of cultivation is often invited to be done in categories in the Buddhist teachings. I often think of it as concentric circles. One usually starts with oneself, and then goes to what's called the benefactor—someone who has supported you, been a teacher, or in some ways has supported your progress in life. The next category is a dear friend, someone who is dear to you and whom you care about. The next category is a neutral person, someone whom you don't know very well; you maybe have seen them, but they're just a stand-in for all of humanity. Then the next category is people we have difficulty with. And the category after that is all beings.

In the Metta Sutta^[2], the mind gets a sense of these different categories of all beings: those who are seen and unseen, those who are born and yet to be born, those who are near or far, those who are medium, large, or small. You get the picture. These different categories remind me of when I was growing up in Iran; my grandma had this little blessing that she would give: "those who were born on a Monday, those who were born on a Tuesday," trying to cover different categories in different ways. We can also think of all beings as those who slither, those who fly, those who swim, those who walk the earth, those who hop. There are so many different ways to consider the categories. The point is for our mind to make a connection, for it not to stay too vague, and sometimes it's geographical.

With that inspiration, what I wanted to invite us to explore tonight was a different way of categorizing. It's not the classical way. It's about cultivating the heart, so we can cut the pie any which way. The invitation is to consider time. Usually, we consider time as linear and as a present moment. What if we consider time not to be linear, as physics tells us it isn't really linear, but just how we perceive it as human beings?

What if we bring up a sense of goodness and wishing well for those who were in our lives at a different time and aren't anymore? If we imagine our school, for example, maybe you were in kindergarten or grade school, and you had best friends forever. At that time, you were inseparable, and now they're living their own lives, but they had an impact on you. They supported you at some point. So, cultivating this sense of goodness and goodwill, metta: "May you be well, wherever you are. My best friend in kindergarten whom I was inseparable from, may you be well wherever you are, however you are."

We can also include some of the people who are no longer in our lives and perhaps have passed away. If this practice starts to get overwhelming and gets into grief for you, then I suggest you stick to people who are alive or might still be alive. But if it's okay to stay with those who are deceased, then you can just have a sense of gratitude. So the practice of metta then becomes a practice of gratitude.

We are swimming in between gratitude and cultivating metta for all those who have impacted our lives. All the teachers, all the friends, all the colleagues, family—there are so many people who have provided causes and conditions in the way of beings who have impacted us, but are no longer directly in our lives. Wishing them well and having a sense of gratitude for their support. Even if we had difficulty with them, recognizing that in some ways they were our teacher. Again, not getting bogged down with the challenges and anger if it arises, but setting the intention for the cultivation of goodwill and metta.

There are so many people in your past. You don't have to stick to where it's challenging. Choose where it's easy. That is my invitation. You can always do more challenging practices later when you really have your bearings.

Guided Meditation

So with that, let's try this on for size. I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture.

Landing in this body. Landing in a sense of nowness. This moment in time feels immediate; it feels right now. Feeling the sensations of the breath, however they arise in the abdomen and the body.

Connecting both with the sensations of the breath in the abdomen and the body, and a sense of connectedness—your feet, your legs with the earth, your bottom on the cushion, your hands touching each other or your lap.

Inviting the body to relax. Letting go of tension in your forehead, your jaw. The neck and shoulders, inviting them to drop. Inviting the chest to soften. Your heart to relax. Softening the abdomen internally.

Letting the weight of your entire upper body drop in, lower into your sit bones. Relaxing, letting go of any tension in your sit bones, your pelvis, your groin area.

Receiving the breath in the abdomen, radiating through the entire body. If thoughts arise, invite the thoughts to be breathed in together with the breath in the abdomen. Inviting the thoughts to relax as you invite the body to relax and be soft. Noticing what happens if you breathe the thoughts in together with the breath in the abdomen.

Connecting with an intention in your heart, an intention of cultivating metta, goodwill, friendliness, kindness. Starting with a sense of friendliness offered to the breath, offered to this body. Feeling and receiving each breath, one at a time. Getting calmed and soothed.

Feeling the body, feeling the breath. Staying connected to the body, to the breath throughout this practice can support not overthinking or getting lost in stories, but staying with the intention of metta connected to goodwill.

I'd like to invite you, if you wish, to bring to mind some beings who were in your life, maybe the first decade of your life. Let's bring a group to mind—maybe it's family, maybe it's friends, school children, or a particular individual. Stay with that group or individual for a little while, not jumping too much from one to the other to help the settling of the mind.

Bring this group or this individual to mind, as if you're relating to them back in time. This time we're not linear. As if you're relating to this group or individual you're no longer in contact with, they're not in your life. You bring them to mind with a sense of appreciation of the interactions, the impact, or just that they were in your life. Just simply that they existed. The rivers of your lives at some point touched or intertwined, flowed together at some point in time.

From this vantage point, with a sense of appreciation, wish this being well. If they're still alive, say the phrases of metta. And if they aren't, just have a sense of appreciation, a sense of gratitude. Let your heart shine, soar, be drenched in goodness and gladness, as if you were thanking them. You have traveled back in time, and you are thanking them.

If you don't know where they are, share metta: "May you be safe from inner and outer harm." Perhaps from the vantage point of the past as we're traveling in time, share your goodwill with this being or group of beings. "May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease. Or just simply, I wish you well. I wish you well. Or simply, thank you. Thank you. I wish you well. Thank you." Whichever of those feels more appropriate.

You're welcome to stay with this being longer, or move to another being or group as you wish, as you find appropriate for your practice. Simply, "Thank you," or "May you be well."

Now, having primed our heart for the first decade of our lives, you're free to move to any time, to any being or any beings that your heart is drawn to. Either thanking them or wishing them well. Just stay with them for a little while so you're not jumping too rapidly, and then when it feels complete, you can move on to another being or group. See what works for you and for this particular practice right now.

As I said, if too much grief arises, it's okay to bow to this being, thank them, and move to another, or turn to compassion for yourself. If there's a lot of sadness or difficult emotions, stay with the intention of metta, cultivating goodwill, goodness, and explore.

Staying embodied, still feeling the sensations of the body and the breath to help feel tethered, grounded as you do this practice. You might even recall, if it supports the sense of connecting with these beings, the acts of kindness, the acts of love, generosity, care. Let your heart be touched by these rekindlings of these beings, maybe times that you shared together. Maybe their presence alone was a gift, and you're grateful for that.

Or maybe it's a friend or a family member that you were close to at some point, and you've drifted apart. Appreciating the gratitude and wishing them well from this vantage point of a time they were significant in your life.

For the last moment of this practice together, wish well and thank a younger version of yourself. Offering kindness, goodwill, care, and appreciation for yourself.

Reflections

Thank you all for your practice. I'll change the chat settings if you want to share reflections with everyone, or if you want to raise your blue hand to share reflections.

This period of practice for me felt like I was having communion, a visit with so many people who are no longer in my life, either passed away or drifted apart. It was just a lot of happy-making for me, remembering all the goodness, all the gifts of these beings. I'd love to hear from you. What's arising for you? Reflections, comments, questions.

Claire: I had an experience that was very similar to yours, except that where I went fairly quickly was gratitude, because I've been so taken care of by so many people, and it was nice to remember. Nice, happy, and peaceful.

Nikki: I hear you saying that. I see a lovely smile on your face—the smile of happiness and contentment. Nice, lovely place to go. Thank you for that, Claire.

Neil: I found myself being thankful to younger me. Gratitude sort of built up throughout the session, and then at the very end, I'm like, you know, good, bad, whatever, younger me got me to right now.

Nikki: Lovely. Beautiful gratitude and appreciation for younger you. I love it. At the end, as I invited gratitude and appreciation for a younger version of yourself, you were way ahead of me, Neil. I love it. Thank you for that reflection. What else came up for you? What worked, what didn't?

Bill: Felt gratitude and sadness for those who are gone.

Nikki: Yeah, this practice can bring that up, as I said at the beginning. We could stay with the intention of gratitude and appreciation. One invitation I have for you, Bill, when there's sadness, is that a lot of times metta practice is a purification practice. We can choose to sit with the sadness that comes up, the grief that comes up, and hold that with compassion. It becomes a practice of compassion for ourselves. That's perfectly fine; that's a very wise way to work with it.

Another wise way is to choose to stay with the gratitude—again, not in a way of pushing away sadness, but sometimes it might feel right to say, "Sadness, thank you, I'll sit with you another time, and this time I'll sit with gratitude." Be wise and see what feels right so that it's not always just sadness and it's not always just gratitude. Feel into that intentionality that we can work with in the practice.

Abraham: It was really astonishing to me that for all of my life, from when I was very young, having friends was so important to me. Such a high value. I'm just shocked at the ones that I considered to be really deep friends—they weren't necessarily people my age. Mentors, people that really helped me. Just how intensely I cared for them, and to this time, a girlfriend I had when I was a teenager, to this day I just think she was the best friend I ever had. It was amazing.

Nikki: Sweet. Thank you for sharing that. The sense I'm getting from what you said is that doing this practice and bringing to mind all these connections, all these people that you deeply care about, has brought a sense of gladness into your heart and has gladdened your mind.

Jane (from YouTube): Remembering more innocence. So many kind people in my life I'd almost forgotten. Good to be reminded of the capacity for this feeling of care.

Nikki: That's lovely. Thank you, Jane. Beautifully put. To be reminded of this capacity for this feeling of care. Both to be cared for and also to care for others. That's what I'm hearing in the reflections that are coming. Touching into that.

So dear ones, the invitation for the breakout groups is to get into small groups of three. For those of you who are on the fence about these things, I think it can be very inspiring to hear about other people's practice. It's so happy-making to be inspired in this web of humanity, of people who have come and gone in our lives. In this moment, these are a couple of other people in the small group who will be in your life for a moment, and you can offer care to them and receive their care, just in the same sense of care that has been offered in the past.

I invite you to feel into that and be carried on the wings of this meditation we've done together to step into the small groups. If you're scared or worried, please try it out. You will be pleasantly surprised, as many research studies show. If you have to go for whatever reason, it's all good. I'm going to create the rooms now.

[Group goes into breakout rooms and returns]

Nikki: Welcome back everyone. We have a couple of minutes for any reflections, so please raise your blue hand or type in the chat. I'd love to hear what that was like. What did you learn? What came up for you?

Vicky: I was just saying during the small group that since I immigrated here—I think Nikki you did too—this practice made me think of so many people who helped me when I first came here and could not speak English. I hadn't thought of them for a while, and today it was a great opportunity to really think back about those people and send them metta.

Nikki: Oh, sweet. Thank you for sharing that. It warms my heart, Vicky, to hear you say that, especially as immigrants. It's hard when you move from one country to the next, with the language and everything. Thanks for bringing that up.

Kim: I was in the group with Abraham, and he mentioned that the experience was sort of like playing, and I had that experience as well. I could sort of look for something—like I would go someplace, and then, "Okay, now I need something that's lighter." I ended up sort of cruising around, and it almost felt like I was moving in time, going places. It felt like playing; it was wonderful.

Nikki: Sweet. It's playing in metta, playing in the goodness field, in the sense of giving and receiving care. Abraham comments in the chat, "This felt like playing with metta, but more joy and happiness than loving-kindness." That makes me so happy. Thank you, Abraham.

Rich: I wanted to be in a group with Abraham and to ask him how he's sitting in front of a wall on the ceiling.

Nikki: [Laughter] I'm not quite sure what that means, but anyway, I'll leave that be!

It's 7:00. For those of you who used to listen to Car Talk on NPR with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, after the hour of this wonderful show, they would say, "You have wasted a perfectly good hour listening to Car Talk." So, we have spent a perfectly good hour cultivating metta.

Thank you all for your practice. It's lovely to practice with you. May your practice be of benefit to yourself, to all those whose lives you touch, and all beings everywhere. Take good care. I'm going to invite all of you to unmute yourself and say goodbye if you wish, as is our ritual.

[Applause and goodbyes]