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Happy Hour: Metta and Awareness

Introduction

Greetings from the San Francisco Bay Area to all of you, wherever in the world you are joining from. Good evening, good morning, good afternoon! I hope you are all safe and sound. As you might have heard on the news, the firefighters here have had a break with slightly cooler weather and more humidity, so may it continue.

We will also be joined tonight by the crows in my neighborhood, who will want to be wished well. We will bring them in when it is called for in our practice.

The Relationship Between Metta and Mindfulness

For this moment's practice, we have been exploring the relationship between mettā^[1]—cultivating goodwill and loving-kindness for both self and other—and the Eightfold Noble Path^[2], which is one of the basic teachings of the Buddha. We have worked our way through the factors, and tonight we have made it to the seventh factor: wise mindfulness, or right mindfulness (sammā sati^[3]). Sati^[4] is the Pali word for mindfulness.

The word sati itself can also mean "remembering," or "to remember," which is lovely when you think about it. Remembering to be aware. There is a deep relationship between mindfulness and mettā.

The first point I would like to bring up is that awareness is actually a foundation for the cultivation of goodwill. You need to be aware of what is actually happening. You need to be aware of whether there is a lack of goodwill, or if goodwill is present. For example, you might be practicing mettā for a dear friend, but then you start to feel envious of their life. You need to be aware, moment to moment, of what is happening to adjust your practice accordingly. If you continue to try to cultivate muditā^[5] (vicarious joy) for your friend while sitting with envy and sadness, it is conflictual. You need to turn the practice toward compassion for yourself: "Oh sweetie, you really want that, and it's okay." Just attend to your own suffering in that moment. You are the one who is suffering. Turn the mettā to hold your own suffering. Then, when stability returns and you realize you are actually okay, the heart can open up to generosity and continue with mettā for your friend. The cultivation of mettā is always responsive; you need awareness to be present to guide it.

Another way these practices relate is seen in how we begin. As you may have noticed, we always start our guided meditations with mindfulness of the breath and mindfulness of the body. Why? Because we invite the mind and awareness to settle, becoming more receptive. We till the soil so it is ready for planting seeds, rather than knocking on the hard earth at the very beginning. We till the soil with sati.

One more thing I want to mention, which relates to the translation of sati as remembering, is to remember your intention. Remember how you want to show up in the world. At the end of your life, when you look back, what do you want to have cultivated? Do you want to have cultivated kindness, care, and goodwill for your loved ones, yourself, and others? Keep remembering. This applies not just when you are practicing, when the mind wanders and we gently remember to bring it back without judgment, but also in daily life. Keep remembering. Ask yourself, "What am I doing here?" when you find yourself being grumpy. It is okay not to be judgmental of yourself, but just remember: What is my North Star? To remember. Sati.

Guided Meditation

So, with all that as the setup, let all the words go. Shake the words off, and let's start our meditation together.

Settling in your body. Settling with your breath. Landing. Letting go of all the words and arriving fully in this moment. Arriving in this body. Inviting the body to have a sense of integrity. Maybe sitting a little taller, just a little more upright, and relaxing. Relaxing all the muscles. You can sit upright if that is what's needed, or you may need to lie down, and that's okay. Have a sense of integrity in the body, without tightness, with ease.

Inviting every nook and cranny of this body to be filled and touched by awareness. Touching your feet with awareness. Hello, feet. How are the feet? Do they feel grounded? Do they feel connected to the earth? Are you aware of the sensations of the feet?

Inviting your legs to be touched with awareness. Inviting your awareness to inhabit your legs, your sit bones. Sati. Aware of all the sensations. Aware of any tightness or holding. Inviting awareness to inhabit your belly, your abdomen. Just as the air fills your abdomen, awareness rounds and fills it. Continuous. Dancing with the breath in the abdomen, intertwined.

Inviting awareness to fill your chest, your upper back, your lower back. Feeling the sensations of the whole trunk. Awareness fulfilling, nourishing, connecting, intimate. Awareness as the glue of intimacy with the present moment. This body breathing.

Awareness filling your arms, your hands. Being aware of any tension or holding, and inviting ease. Letting go. Dropping in. Awareness filling your face, your head, your neck, and shoulders. This awareness fills your whole body, all the nooks and crannies. The areas you had forgotten. Tightness and tension are offered freedom. A sense of ease and intimacy in the body, in the moment.

And when the realization arises that you've forgotten to be with the breath, to greet the body with awareness, it is no problem. Simply remember again. No need for self-judgment. You might need to remember a hundred times or more, and it's okay. It's part of this practice. Every time, remember joyfully. Celebrate sati. Celebrate awareness. The joyfulness of returning can help it become more stable. What we are aware of, and appreciate, can more fully become the habit of the mind. So, resting with the body, with awareness, and the breath filling the body. Tilling the soil.

Now, I would like to invite you to bring someone to mind who is a friend, a benefactor, maybe a parent or a teacher. Someone in whose presence it is easy for you to feel safe. Someone you care about, where there is a natural sense of care. Invite them in your mind's eye to sit with you, as if they are right in front of you. Become aware of their presence.

Imagine daily life, if you were actually sitting with them, or if you gave them a call to ask how they were feeling. Imagine expressing your care. In your mind, become aware of them and offer your presence to them. Just being in their presence, simply offering your presence to them, is an act of care. Your awareness, your attention, and your time are the most precious resources we all have in this world. Sharing yourself with them, being concerned, is an act of mettā. It is an act of care.

Grounded in the body, imagine yourself sitting with this being, offering your presence as a gift of care. Sitting with them. No words needed. Sitting and breathing. Offering your presence as a care package, as a gift of goodwill, mettā, love—whatever nuance is appropriate in this particular relationship. Keeping them in your mind's eye, in your awareness. Remembering. And if their image or feeling wanes, bring it up more brightly. What they look like, what they feel like.

If you notice challenging emotional states arising in your own heart, can gentle awareness, kind awareness—mettā intertwined with awareness—turn to your own suffering and pain in this moment?

If there are no challenging emotions, I invite you still to turn, maybe bowing to your dear being, thanking them for showing up in your mind's eye, and turning your kind awareness inward. Checking in. Hello dear, how are you? What is happening in this moment? What do you need? How is your heart? How is your body? How is your mind?

Bring awareness to your own body. Is it tight or relaxed? Bring awareness to your heart, your emotions. Bring awareness to your mind. If it's filled with thoughts or ruminations, with kindness, invite yourself to put it down right now. This awareness turned towards yourself is an expression of care. Caring enough for this being, whom you are the guardian of, to check in. Checking in especially with the body tells us so much about the state of our heart and our mind. Checking in, becoming aware, and holding it with care.

And if holding your own needs and your own suffering is challenging in this moment, imagine the dear being that you brought up to your mind before. Imagine them becoming aware of your challenges and your needs. Imagine how they would hold you with care, with affection, with kindness, if they became aware that you're suffering.

If there are no challenges in this moment, and there's a sense of ease and openheartedness, become aware of that ease. Hold that with care, with kindness, with goodwill. Holding tenderly any joy or delight there might be. Maybe a smile arises.

And as we become aware of our bodies, our breath, and the sounds all around us in the last minutes of this practice period, greet whatever is arising in the body with kindness. The sounds, the sensations, everything. I greet the crows who are singing with a smile, with appreciation.

Greet any thoughts that arise without attachment to an outcome for whatever arose—or did not arise—during this practice period. Whether you were sleepy, whether there were many thoughts or ruminations, it is no problem at all. You tried, you showed up, you've planted seeds. Take the long-term view. Thanking yourself for having showed up, for the benefit of yourself and all beings.

Reflections and Q&A

I will invite you now for some reflections. You can type in the chat, maybe a word or phrase about what's arising for you, or you can unmute yourself.

I'll start by sharing that during this exploration tonight of the seventh factor of the Eightfold Path, right mindfulness, I realized even more fundamentally how much awareness and mindfulness are intertwined with the practice of cultivating mettā.

Daryl: I always remember you saying meditating with right mindedness compared to a tense state of mind is just like riding a bike with flat tires versus a bike with the tires pumped up. I've always found that when the awareness just has a loving feel to it, it all goes more easily.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Daryl, for bringing that in. Absolutely. I was paraphrasing Joseph Goldstein^[6], who says that about wisdom and compassion—that wisdom without compassion is like riding a bicycle without air in its tires; it's a really bumpy ride. I appreciate you bringing that in. Bringing that sense into every moment of paying attention. Mindfulness and awareness imbued with kindness. It takes it from a macro concept to a micro way of being.

Question: I haven't done Happy Hour for a while, but I remember that I would always have more of those hypnagogic events because I'm a little bit sleepy this time of day. Are there tips you share with people for that situation?

Nikki Mirghafori: The hypnagogic state, yeah. Sometimes it might help to just sit up straight just a tiny bit. That might be enough to bring more energy and engagement. Become more engaged with the object of your practice, and that engagement can bring more energy. That's what I would suggest. Not trying to tighten the body, of course, but just keeping it light. Start very small, nothing drastic.

Kim: I feel soft and solid.

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh, that's lovely! Both soft and solid. I love that.

Bipasha: The sati was really important. I always take away something when I can join these sessions, but this was really important because sometimes, when you're feeling the way you're feeling, it's important to be aware and remember why you're feeling what you're feeling. That's something I'm going to take away every time I feel challenged, unsettled, or envious.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Bipasha. I really appreciate you highlighting how important becoming aware is. It is so fundamental; it's the foundation. With whatever arises, realizing what is appropriate to apply—mettā, or compassion, or whatever is needed.

Yuka: I realized the judging mind was robbing freedom. There was a sense of tightness, and then I realized I didn't need to be judgmental with the tightness. It was very easy to accept.

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. Thank you, Yuka, that's lovely. Being kind and gentle with the tightness. Yes, that's fantastic. Usually, we tend to add more tightness on top of tightness, so it's wonderful to be gentle with it and invite it to unwind.

(A brief breakout session was held to allow practitioners to offer their presence to one another.)

Mary Christine: One of the pearls of wisdom that came up was from what you said about being present with someone else. It made me think about the fact that we are not always present for ourselves. We go into automatic pilot instead of actually giving to ourselves. That was just interesting for me to ponder and be aware of.

Nikki Mirghafori: Lovely. Thank you, Mary Christine.

Bill: Just observing my own behavior with mettā, I've noticed some changes. They're good changes, but what I don't quite understand is that I have a continued problem with being tired in these meditations. I would think that if I'm sleeping through half of these, it wouldn't do me good, but it seems to be. I don't understand it, but it's good. I love it.

Nikki Mirghafori: Fantastic, Bill. This could be a billboard for mettā: Trust you are planting seeds. Trust changes are being made, even if your judgmental mind says, "Oh, I wasn't paying attention." Something is shifting. I so appreciate you bringing this in; I've heard this from so many different practitioners in so many different ways.

The classic story is that of Sharon Salzberg^[7], who said her first whole retreat of practicing mettā intensely, she thought nothing had happened. She thought she had spent a miserable week getting nothing. Then she drops a vase and says, "Oh, you're a klutz, but I love you anyway." Like, whoa, where did that come from? It shifts even when you think nothing is happening. Seeds are being planted.

That's a fantastic note to end on, Bill. For everyone who might think, "Oh, I'm sleeping, nothing is happening, I was in a hypnagogic state, I didn't follow the instructions"—something is happening. Take the long-term view and look at your life. Seeds are being planted. Thank you to every single one of you for showing up for yourself and all the people in your life. You are practicing not just for yourself, but for all beings everywhere.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including us. Thank you everyone, what a delight.