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Guided Meditation: Friendly Mindfulness

Hello and welcome. I delight in the names and greetings on the chat from both people whose names I know and people whose names I've never seen. I think it's been a very nice way of starting here.

This week the topic is the expressions of love. There's a way in which love grows when it is expressed, when it is lived. If it's only a private affair, a private experience that we keep to ourselves, that could be quite nice. But it limits the ways in which it becomes the compost or the nutrient, not only for itself to grow, but all kinds of other ways that we grow in the Dharma in Buddhist practice.

So the expression I want to emphasize today is under the idea of kind speech—to speak kindly. For meditation, it means speaking kindly to oneself during meditation. Is there some sincere way that you can reorient how you talk to yourself, how you think, and how you orient yourself to knowing your experience in meditation, so that you can do so as a friend in a friendly, kind way?

There are two ways to do this that I want to emphasize today in this meditation. A primary way in mindfulness meditation is to really notice what's happening as it's happening, to offer presence or accompaniment. To really accompany what's happening in you as it's happening. If what you're doing is thinking about the past, you want to shift your orientation so you're clearly sitting down next to yourself, sitting with yourself, and accompanying yourself in a kind, friendly way. You realize, "Here is thinking about the past." It's really clear that as a human being, you're now here in the present moment thinking about the past, and you know that's the case. So you're not locked in, lost, or being swept away by those thoughts. You almost step outside of that train of thought and then clearly see it in a friendly, kind way, and that way you're not cooked in it or lost in it.

Whatever it is, if you are having trouble with your breathing and are somehow aversive to yourself or your breath, step away from that. It's okay, but see it and notice it as a present-moment phenomenon and know it in a friendly way. "Oh, here there's aversion." So you're not identified with it. You're not sinking into it or hooked into that aversion, but you step out of it enough to accompany it, to be its friend, and be friendly towards it in a sense.

There's one way in particular for this meditation for how to do this kind speech in meditation. This noticing is called mental noting, but I'll explain to you how to do it in a different way than maybe you've ever been taught. It's using one word to acknowledge that noting—one word where you step away and greet the experience. It's like saying, "Oh, hi." But with a word that names it for what it is. If it's thinking about the past, you would say, "Remembering." Or if you are being aversive, "Aversion."

So, if you're with the in-breath, you might say the word "in", "expanding", or "opening", and the exhale might be "exhale", "out", "collecting", or "settling back". Whatever it might be the word for you. But see if you can say the word with clarity, as if it's a single musical note. Maybe someone strikes a piano key or hits one single string on a guitar. It's a single note in vast silence, vast space.

You're saying "remembering", but in saying it you're letting in the spaciousness, the silence, the stillness, as if it's being said in a vast space that holds it all. That's where the awareness is. This vast open awareness can really allow and see what's there without being identified with it. You say that word in a friendly way—"remembering"—without any adjusting. "Remembering", "breathing in", "pain", "sound". But the important part is not exactly saying the word, but how it's a one note in the larger field of silence. Silence of the mind. Spaciousness of the mind. Stillness of the mind. Space. Stillness. Silence is in effect there.

If you just quietly listen, quietly tune in, allow the thinking mind to recede. That's where this kind expression, this kind way of speaking is there in the mental note in the great space.

So assume a meditation posture and gently close the eyes. For two or three breaths, breathe a little bit more deeply and relax on the exhale.

Then let the breathing return to normal. What is the simplest way you can recognize what's happening for you and to acknowledge it with a friendly note? Maybe a note that acknowledges in such a way that you can relax a little about your experience because it's been known kindly.

And then settling into the experience of breathing, accompanying the body breathing with every exhale, letting go of thoughts. Settling in at a very relaxed, slow pace. Use a single note to recognize what's happening. A note that is said quietly, peacefully in the mind. A single note like a musical note played in vast silence.

If you are thinking, see if you can adjust the way you speak to yourself or relate to your experience. Make it a kind speech, a friendly way of noting, knowing, and recognizing your experience here and now.

Can you shift the tone of voice with which you think to yourself so that it's kind and friendly in a very simple, ordinary way? How you think and how you recognize your experience is done in a friendly way.

Perhaps being careful not to miss an opportunity to be present for your experience in a friendly way. Maybe a single word of recognition spoken in a field of silence.

And as we come to the end of this sitting, first finish with some kindness, an appreciation of giving yourself this time to meditate and of your effort. Take another moment to recognize how you are now in a friendly way. And then turn that positive, friendly regard out into the world. Gaze upon the world as a simple friend ready to speak words of kindness, a friendliness to those you meet.

Considering how wonderful it would be if everyone could have a genuine, healthy form of happiness, ease, well-being, and peace. May everyone have this. May we all support each other in this. May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be free. Thank you.

Dharmette: Love (77) Kind Speech

Welcome to this third talk on the expressions of love. After these six months of talking about the practices of love, we see that love also is to be expressed in the world. One of the key aspects that I would like to emphasize is that there's a way of expressing love that supports us in expressing it. There's something about some of the inner positive feelings and dispositions that we have that are almost meant to be expressed or enacted in the world. They're not meant to just be there sitting in meditation and radiating love, and then forgetting about that when we get up to start our daily life. There's something deep inside them that wants to be enacted, wants to be shared, wants to be expressed.

One of the great joys and gifts of meditation is to discover that there are very deep inner movements of expression that are being born and want to come from some deep source within us. This happens without any pressure or attachment to be expressed, but this is what they want to do. The very expression of them supports, cultivates, and strengthens them. So the Brahma-vihāras^[1], these four forms of love that we've covered, when they're expressed and lived in the world—how we act and speak in the world—they grow and develop.

With the growth and development of love, with expressions of kindness and friendliness, there's a lot of other things that also can grow that are wonderful. Generosity can grow. A healthy relationship to other people can grow. The desire to be harmless can grow. All kinds of beautiful things can grow within us.

So it's actually very important to find ways to express what's happening to us through meditation in the world, so that it changes how we live our life. One of the simplest summations of that change that covers a lot of territory is kindness, or if you prefer, friendliness—to live in the world in a friendly and kind way.

One way that love is expressed is through kind, friendly speech. Consider that and orient yourself around that, having a dedication to finding out how to speak in a friendly way. Maybe take up the practice for a while of: if it's not friendly, don't say it. Maybe it doesn't need to be said, or be very careful about saying it. This dedication to friendly speech needs to be done very creatively and intelligently.

It might be that some things need to be said that are very strong and clear. But even then, how would you say it in a friendly way? How would you say it so that there's not any animosity in it? There isn't any pushing away, judgment, or diminishing of someone else, but rather stepping forward and saying, "I'm sorry, but we can't do this. Is there another way we can find to be together?" as opposed to saying, "No," or "That's crazy." Can we find some way that everyone is cared for, others and ourselves, because being friendly and kind maybe has better long-term results than the opposite.

Regardless of all the situations where you want to practice kind speech, this expression of love is in fact kind, friendly speech. To give room for that, allow for that practice, and live that is one of the ways that love can grow, be expressed, and flow in us. It's a skill that takes practice, of course, but it can start very simply. It can be saying "thank you" to people.

Some people like to say "sorry" for themselves. For example, the simple act of someone opening a door for you and you say "sorry" as if you've somehow been a burden to them. I think that's not necessarily so friendly and doesn't create the same kind of friendly rapport. But if you smile at the person and say "thank you," that can actually go much further to create a healthy relationship. It can come from a place of confidence in oneself that "sorry" cannot. So there's the friendly way of saying "thank you" or asking how people are.

Sometimes in English when we say, "How are you?" or "How's it going?", what that's really communicating is, "I see you, you're there." It's not really meant to be answered with a long explanation. It's just a way of saying, "I see you. We're connected now." It's a ritual of simple connection. But there's also a way of doing it where you really mean it. It's not done flippantly or habitually. It's really acknowledging that they are there. "How are you?" and you want to hear the answer as an expression of kindness or friendliness.

Sometimes there is a way of saying "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" where rather than diminishing ourselves, feeling less, or feeling like we have to make ourselves subservient to the other person or grovel, it can come from a confident love. "I'm so sorry." The person feels your friendliness, that you mean it, that you're hoping to reconcile, or offering to be their friend. Just, "Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize."

And then, of course, a wonderful way of expressing love is to express appreciation for people and for events. "Thank you for the dinner that you made. It was wonderful to have dinner here, and that was delicious. I feel really satisfied." Even if maybe the food wasn't that good, can you appreciate something? The fact that you got fed is a big deal in parts of the world. Someone went out of their way to make a meal. So rather than commenting about the flavor of the food, you say, "Oh, thank you. I feel satisfied." Say something friendly and appreciative.

We certainly don't want to be insincere or Pollyannaish in doing that. But to find a way that is simple, maybe occasional, so that it has more impact: "That was wonderful to see you. It's so nice to spend time with you." What can you appreciate about other people? What can you say that's nice and supportive for them to be a good friend?

Sometimes that's hard to do because some people are very self-focused in conversations and as they go through their life. It's all about what they have to say, what's important for them, or what they can get out of the conversation. But to relax—if you're relaxed, at ease, and you're coming from this place of love, then I think it's natural to be less self-focused and more focused on the other person as a friend, and so to appreciate others.

Maybe for some people, the hardest way to express love is to do it directly—to say "I love you." If that's too much or inappropriate, say something like, "Thank you. It's so wonderful to be friends with you. It's so wonderful to have this rapport that I feel with you, and how wonderful it is to have this ease of speaking and sharing. It's so meaningful for my heart." To share something deeper that expresses your heart, your friendliness, and your kindness. With the idea that you're speaking from the depth of your heart, maybe touching the depth of the other person's heart without expecting it, without making them uncomfortable, and without requiring anything from them in return.

Sometimes I've received cards from people that I know afterwards, and they will express their warmth, their friendliness, their appreciation, and their gratitude in a way that maybe is awkward to do in person, but it's so nice to get the card.

I'm not offering this idea of kind speech as a "should"—that now you should go out and do it. What I'm offering you is that if you want your love to live, grow, and spread in yourself and in the world, if you want to listen to your love deeply, there's going to be an expression that wants to be spoken. Maybe at first, you're not so skilled at that expression. You don't know exactly the words to say. But beginning to explore and consider how you share your kindness and friendliness in kind, friendly speech is a way to let this love be expressed in the world and to grow.

So, the expression of love through generosity we talked about on Monday, the expression of love through non-harming yesterday, and today, the expression of love through our speech. May it be that our speech benefits this world, benefits our friends, and our strangers. May it be that the way we speak helps bring forth more smiles in the world today. May we all smile more. Thank you.