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Happy Hour: Loving Kindness Increases Feelings of Social Connectedness

Introduction

Hello everyone, and welcome to this edition of Happy Hour.

For those of us who have been practicing mettā^[1], or loving-kindness, for a while, we know, trust, and have a sense of the shift and changes that happen over time when we practice—both for ourselves and in the way we relate to others.

There have also been research and psychological studies on loving-kindness practice. Sometimes it's nice to see things that we already know verified by science. We don't necessarily need validation from science, and yet it's kind of fun when both come through. As a scientist myself, I want to bring in a study tonight.

It's a study that was done in 2008 by Hutcherson, published in Emotion, among various other places. It has a pretty cool title: Loving-Kindness Meditation Increases Social Connectedness. Let's just say a few words about it since I brought it up. They brought people into the lab, had them do a short loving-kindness meditation, and then they measured their sense of friendliness or connection towards others, specifically towards strangers.

One sentence that they have at the end, which I particularly like—especially at the time of COVID, when many of us have been socially isolated and have had fewer social connections than we did a couple of years ago—reads: "The results suggest that this easily implemented technique may help to increase positive social emotions and decrease social isolation."

Ah, kind of fun! And yet, this is what we know already. We know that when we practice mettā, when we practice loving-kindness for ourselves and for others, even if we don't see our loved ones, there is a sense of being connected to ourselves, to others, and to life. There is a sense of connection because, as we know from other studies and our own experience, when we imagine something, it has a physical effect. There is recent research that shows if you imagine doing weight training, your muscles actually get slightly more toned; you don't even have to be lifting the weights.

The act of bringing something to our imagination, whether it's physical exercise—which amazingly changes the structure of our physical muscles—is not so different in terms of our psychology. By imagining in our hearts and minds being connected with others and wishing them well, there is a sense of connection. We feel less lonely, less alone.

And the opposite is true: if we don't practice, or if there's a lack of goodwill or ill will towards ourselves and others, you might have noticed a greater sense of alienation. We feel more alienated from ourselves and others, as if we don't belong, as if the social fabric has been disconnected.

We know this already, but I bring this study in as a way to remind us in a different way. Coming together and practicing with the Happy Hour sangha^[2], there is a sense of social connection, whether on Zoom or YouTube. As we practice loving-kindness tonight for ourselves and for others, tune into the sense of social connection that it fosters. Notice how it cultivates well-being for ourselves and changes the way we show up for others. That is the setup for tonight.

Guided Meditation

Let's get started in our formal practice.

I'd like to invite you to land in your body. To arrive. To settle, to connect. To invite your heart, your mind, and your awareness to connect with this body, with yourself.

Hello body. Hello breath.

Greeting ourselves, greeting the sensations of this moment's experience. Inviting the body to relax. Let go of any tightness or tension. Nothing needed in this moment. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Just relaxing all the muscles. Receiving.

Taking refuge in this moment. Inviting thoughts to be put down. "Thank you, not now."

Receiving each in-breath in the entirety of the out-breath. Settling, arriving, landing. One breath at a time. This.

Spending a few more minutes to just arrive and settle with the breath and the body.

Let's begin our mettā practice by extending goodwill to this being who is me. Greeting this person who might be tired, who might be distracted, who has had ups and downs today, the challenges of which we intimately know. Meeting ourselves with friendliness, with kindness. Wishing well for the being who is me, myself.

May I meet this moment with ease. May I have ease in my life.

As an expression of our mettā, our goodwill: May I meet this moment with ease. May my life unfold with ease. May I hold myself with friendliness and goodwill. May I love and accept myself just as I am.

Not a better version, not the perfection I imagine. Just this. Just this imperfect human being that does their best. May I love and accept myself just as I am.

I invite you to experiment with putting the palm of your hand on the middle of your chest, your proverbial heart center, just to connect with yourself. Connecting the physicality of your palm with your chest. Connecting with this person, with this being who is you, holding yourself. As you hold yourself, silently offer: "May I love and accept myself just as I am." Experiment and see what happens when you connect with yourself physically, not just with words.

And now, if you like, you can stay with yourself. Or, if you wish, you can invite someone who is dear to you. Someone you have an easy relationship with. A child or a pet is okay. Bring them to your mind's eye, into your heart space.

Extend your goodwill from yourself to include this being. May you meet the moments of your life with ease. May you have ease. I wish you well.

Whatever phrases work for you, or without phrases: May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy, dear one. May you have ease.

See if you can include yourself. If it's easy for you, continue to include this being who is you in this goodwill. May both of us have ease. May we love and cherish ourselves just as we are. May we have happiness and well-being, both of us—myself and my dear, easy being. Imagining both of you perhaps sitting together.

At times your awareness might shift more towards them, sometimes more towards you, and sometimes equally including both of you in your loving-kindness. It's okay.

You're welcome to stay with yourself and your dear being for the entirety of the time. If you wish, you can also invite other friends, other beings into your circle of mettā and include them. It is your choice; see what is best for you today.

If you choose to invite more friends, relatives, and beings into your circle of mettā: May all of us have ease. May all of us be well. May all of us be filled with well-being. Use whatever phrases you like that express your goodwill, your care, your warm-heartedness.

Perhaps imagine that your mettā, your goodwill, is a shining light shining out of your heart center. Touching you first, and then touching outward. To your friends, your dear ones: May all of us be well. May all of us have goodness.

Shining out, touching your sangha, your community of practitioners on this path practicing with you. May all of us practicing have ease and goodness.

Shining far beyond on its own, you don't have to push it out. May all beings have goodness, be well, be safe, happy, and healthy. May all have ease. Including myself.

Different beings may come to your mind's eye; wish them well. May you be well, whoever comes. Feeling your sense of connection with so many beings, so many humans. Whether you know them personally or are indirectly connected through the large web of interconnected humanity. May all beings be well, including myself.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you, everyone. Thank you for your practice.

We have some time for reflections, questions, and comments. What did you notice, especially regarding the theme of connection, interconnection, and mettā? Feeling less isolated and lonely, and more connected. You're welcome to share in the chat, or if you haven't shared verbally for a while, you're welcome to raise your Zoom hand.

As I wait for your reflections, I'll share something that I noticed practicing today. At the beginning of the sit, I was pretty tired. As the practice continued, I found myself smiling more and more. Sharing mettā for dear ones, including myself, and expanding the circle just became so joyful. I felt so much gratitude for doing this practice. I'm happier now than before we started, so that's my practice report. What did you notice? Eric, please.

Eric: Everyone, I just noticed that when I got distracted near the end of the sitting, I just went back to the practice without scolding myself for being distracted. I've been doing a lot of concentration practice, and I wonder if, since I did mettā practice this time, it just kind of primed me to not need to scold myself—to be more generous.

Nikki Mirghafori: Nice, nice. Thank you for sharing that, Eric. What is actually very significant is that mettā is also a concentration practice. It is a samatha^[3] practice. If you are practicing ānāpānasati^[4] (mindfulness of the breath) as your concentration practice, if you don't scold yourself there either, the mind will settle, become absorbed, and calm much more quickly. Mettā practice can be really helpful with mindfulness of the breath practice as well. It is beautiful that you discovered you were not scolding yourself! That is very significant. Jamie, please.

Jamie: Well, Nikki, first off, I just want to thank you for saying, "I accept myself and love myself just as I am." That was such a wonderful thing to say to myself; it was like a gift. Thank you. And I wonder if you have any comments on sex and sexual energy as part of meditation, and I'll tell you why. I thought about my dear one today, a friend who recently redefined her sexual orientation. As I thought about her, my wish for her was, "May you have sex that makes you feel more alive, more connected to your partner, and more joyous." After saying that to her, I thought, "I want that." It was really easy to extend that to other friends, people I know, and to the whole world, because I thought everyone would be better with that. I have to admit, I become aware of my own sexual energy sometimes during meditation. It's just not a topic I've ever heard discussed in my still-budding practice, so I wonder if you have any suggestions or response to that.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you for bringing that in. It is very important. Sexual energy is a big topic, but I'll keep my comment specific to what came up for you regarding your friend and your wish. It felt really genuine and joyous that you're wishing them well given their transition. "May you have well-being in this area of your life that must have been confusing and challenging for you, dear friend." And then, "Oh, may I have that too, and may so many people have that!" Yay!

The way I'm hearing it, and also with us being laypeople, it feels like a wish of well-being: "May you have a wholesome well-being experience that brings you joy." That's how I'm hearing it. So, yay, beautiful!

To bring in a little bit of historical context: most of these practices are traditionally taught to monastics, and monastics are celibate. Sexuality and sexual energy is something that they renounce when they enter monastic life, which is not the case for us laypeople. So traditionally, you would not see or hear this. It would be kind of funny for monks to be wishing that for themselves or others, given that they've renounced it!

And yet, given that we are laypeople, the spirit with which you shared this feels like a genuine goodwill wish. It is like wishing, "May you have happiness in different areas of your life," the same way we wish, "May you be happy," or "May you have happiness in the sexual area of your life with your partnership." It sounds good to me. If that brings you joy, and is a way for you to express your goodwill, then it feels wholesome to me in this context. Thank you for bringing that up.

We have a reflection from Dawn in the chat: "The research is really interesting. I feel disconnected at times, so it is good to hear about this as a means to feel more connected. Thanks for sharing this."

You are very welcome, Dawn. I will share the link to the study in the chat when you come back.

Given that today's theme is about connection and interconnection, especially if you are on Zoom—these are the times that you think, "Okay, we're going to do small groups, bye-bye!"—if you can stay, challenge yourself gently to stay. See what happens. Especially if there have been any moments of lack of connection or loneliness throughout your day, see what happens if you stay. You don't have to say anything brilliant, just show up and be silent. Just show up in the small group; that's my invitation. If you absolutely have to go because of a commitment, there is no judgment. But please don't jump off just out of a fear of connecting with other human beings.

With that, we're going to turn our attention into small groups and practice together. It will be groups of three or four, and feel free to share anything you like about your practice. We'll start with fifteen seconds of silent mettā for yourself and for each other. The rooms are created, and I'm going to open them up. Take care of yourself, take care of each other.

[Small Group Breakout Session]

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed. We have just a couple of minutes for any reflections. Violet, please.

Violet: Hey, so yesterday I was walking alone in Berkeley in a residential neighborhood, and a man came up to me and basically harassed me. He tried to touch me and sort of walked after me. I did my usual defensive practices that most women know how to do in those situations. But he came up for me during the meditation tonight in the form of feeling connected to this man in some way. My heart was breaking for his loneliness and his lack of connection. I thought about how deluded he must be that that is the only way he even knows how to reach out to people or try to get some kind of connection. It just broke my heart in a really lovely and scary way to feel connected to him.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Violet. I feel so touched, and I see others are too, by your sharing of your practice. It's amazing, right? Of course, you did what was appropriate to be defensive at the time. And yet, not to carry that as resentment and hatred, but to feel a sense of compassion for this person who must be so isolated and disconnected... it just really speaks to the beauty and transformation of your heart. Thank you so much for sharing this.

What a beautiful note to end on tonight. Thank you, Violet, and thank you everyone for your practice.

Jerry shared in the chat: "Kindness and vulnerability in the small group was so nurturing for all of us." Beautiful. Earlier, Deborah had talked about "stealth mettā," which we have talked about before at Happy Hour: walking down the street and just sharing mettā, giving mettā to others and feeling a sense of connection with everyone.

Thank you all for showing up. Thank you for practicing for your own sake and the sake of everyone whose life yours touches directly or indirectly. May we all be free from hatred and from ill will. May we all feel connected to ourselves and to this beautiful, mysterious web of humanity. May all beings be well, may all beings be free.

Thanks everyone.