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Happy Hour: Forgiving Our Mistakes

Okay, and is the audio okay? All right. So hello, and warmly welcome to Happy Hour, everyone. Lovely to see you, lovely to be with you.

So for the theme for today—this morning, this evening, whatever your time zone might be—the theme is self-care, self-love, self-forgiveness. It's a blend of those. It's really an invitation, the theme tonight as an invitation for examining how we often respond to when we make mistakes and when mishaps happen. And of course, we're human. To err is human. We say things that later we think, "Ah, hmm, that was not very skillful," or we do things that are not helpful or maybe even hurtful to ourselves or to others, intentionally or inadvertently. And in those moments, when we even do things that later seemed like they were not the best decisions in retrospect, do we kick ourselves? Do we berate ourselves? "Oh, you are..." fill in the blanks. "Stupid, terrible, mindless, gosh." Do we berate ourselves? How do we treat ourselves in that moment? "Oh, you should have paid more attention. You should have, could have, should have." How do we treat ourselves in those moments?

There may be plenty of them because, again, to err is to be human. These tiny, not huge mistakes, but just tiny little mistakes throughout the day, or mishaps, or decisions that are not ideal if we had spent more time, etc. So what is the way that we hold ourselves? What if in that moment, because we've already been hurt, say, by our decision or our lack of attention or lack of awareness or whatever it might be, we've already been hurt. It wasn't an optimal decision. What if we say, "Oh, sweetheart. Sweetheart, oh, I'm so sorry. Well, this is hard for you. I know this is hard. It's okay. It's okay, sweetie. This is hard. Yeah, this is... it's okay. It's okay, I still love you. I accept you. It's okay. And it's all right. Let's learn from it. Let's move on, and I forgive you. It's okay, it happens. To err is human. It's really okay."

Do we extend that acceptance, that love, that sense of forgiveness to ourselves? And in the guided meditation, I will invite you to try the different perspectives on and see how they feel physically in the body. How do they feel in the body, in the mind? And see for yourself which one is more conducive to actually both recovery and also learning, and also maybe more mindful behavior later.

There are some research results also—well, maybe I'll share the research results as I'm setting the space right now. But there is a couple of very interesting studies. One is that for people who actually have made some kind of mistake or maybe transgression—in this study it was a moral transgression that they tested—if they were primed towards self-compassion, towards care for themselves, they actually took more responsibility instead of taking less responsibility. Because there was a sense of, "Oh yes, it's okay, it was a mistake, but I'm not wholly bad." It was not the sense of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's the sense of, "It's okay, I made a mistake, and learning from it."

Instead of, if you don't have that cushion of self-compassion, then there might be pointing the finger to others: "Oh, it's their fault that's why this happened," right? Because there's no kindness towards oneself. When there's kindness, compassion towards you, you can accept that, yeah, you screwed up. It wasn't optimal and it's really okay. There's that cushion to take responsibility. Whereas when there isn't that cushion, when there is the harshness of "You should have done better, you idiot," then somewhere deep down inside we don't want to take responsibility because if we do, then we're bad, we're awful. There's no recovery, right? So then people point fingers to others: "Oh, it's their fault, they did it," etc. Whereas actually, kindness to oneself allows one to take responsibility.

And one last thing I would say is that, as you know, compassion towards oneself and towards others, it's not just the sense of care and warmth and softness, gentleness. It does have those aspects to it, but also there's an uprightness. There's a sense of power. There's a sense of goodness. There's a sense of fierceness. "Yes, yes, there was a mistake, and it's okay." It actually makes you feel stronger in your morality, in your intentionality. So it has both the softness, the gentleness, as well as the sense of uprightness and the energetic fierceness in it. So it'll hopefully all become more clear as we practice together. All right, I've said plenty to set the stage, so let's begin.

Guided Meditation

Let's begin. Let's begin. As I like to invite you, to land in your body. To arrive. To arrive in your body. Here. Here.

And allow yourself to feel your feet planted, rooted in this earth. In this precious earth. This precious body and this precious earth. It's okay. It's okay.

Releasing, releasing whatever the body is holding energetically onto the earth through your feet, through your sit bones onto the cushion or the chair. Releasing your shoulders, your neck. As if you're releasing the burdens that you have been carrying around, the proverbial weight you've been carrying. To release in this moment, it's okay. Taking refuge. Taking refuge in the simplicity of this moment. It's okay, it's all right.

Releasing any tension in your jaw, your eye socket. Letting your eyes rest deeply. Letting your forehead relax. Your cheeks, your chin, your ears.

Inviting your heart center, your proverbial heart center, inviting you to relax. Center of your chest. Whatever emotions are present, it's okay. It's all right. They can be here just as they are. Releasing any tightness or pushing away or clinging to. It's okay. Relaxing all of that.

Relaxing, releasing the abdomen. Sit bones, upper legs, knees, lower legs, and feet. As well as the arms and hands. This entire body. Bringing awareness, relaxed, spacious awareness to the whole body. Present. Pulsating. Sensing.

Breathing. The whole body breathing. This miracle of nature, letting the breath be received in the abdomen. Lowering, lowering the center of gravity.

And we'll spend a few minutes just letting this body be breathed. Bringing awareness, receiving the breath with awareness in the body. In the body. This calming, soothing breath. One breath at a time.

And if the mind is wandering, resting on thoughts, it's okay, it's all right. Simply seeing, observing, noticing its arising. With a smile, as if it's a beloved puppy that has wandered. About our beloved child, you won't beat them up. It's okay. It's the nature of puppies and little kids to wander. Gently, ever so gently, call them back. "Come back, sweetie, come back." Ah, releasing. It's okay.

And finding ease, comfort, seclusion of the mind that's nourishing, healing. Just here with the breath in the body.

Can awareness be imbued with appreciation for this breath in this moment? The breath being known in the abdomen. A kindness with a smile, greeted with a smile. Inner smile.

Now I'd like to invite you if you want, if it feels okay, to gently bring to mind maybe something that recently you considered a mistake. Something you did or said that later you wish you had done differently. You regret it, you were upset, you were disappointed. Be very gentle as you call this into your heart, not into your head so much. We don't want so much of a story. Bringing the memory back.

Maybe a misstep. "Oh, stepped off the curb, twisted your ankle. Oh, I wish I had looked or had been able to look more carefully." Whatever it might be.

See in your body what the habitual response might feel like. Just to explore, what does it feel like to have the habitual response you tend to have? Of course we're bringing compassion in the moment to compare, but for now, is it disappointment, sadness, anger? Whatever it might be. How does it feel? Or maybe it's too hard to bring it up, and so don't try too hard. It's okay, it's all right. See what's available. Just recognizing just a tiny bit of it is okay. The tinge of that reactivity, or "I wish it hadn't happened," or "How could you?" Whatever it might be.

And notice how tight that might feel. Sense of tightness, contraction physically that that brings. Perhaps in your heart center, center of your chest. Maybe in your belly too, maybe in your jaw, maybe in your shoulders. And see where you feel it. Forehead maybe. See where is the contraction for you around the "I could have, would have." Just to feel it. I know it doesn't feel good, so we won't linger here too long. Just to get a sense, a comparison.

And now opening. Opening the heart wide as if there are these warm arms that are embracing you, holding you lovingly, acceptingly, compassionately. "Sweetheart, it's okay." Ah. Maybe putting a balm in your heart center or wherever there's a contraction. The balm of acceptance, of recognition, of forgiveness. "It's okay, sweetie. Yes, yes, it's okay. This was hurtful to you. You've already been hurt, dear. You don't need to add to injury. Don't need to add salt, pour salt in a cut. It's okay. It's alright, sweetheart. It's already hard enough. This injury, this suffering, this pain, this difficulty as a result of the mistake, you don't have to add to it. It's okay." Holding yourself as if in a warm, gentle, accepting embrace. "It's okay."

To err is to be human. You're only human family, just like anybody else. Where you see, you hear, you cognize, you decide with limited information, you process. It's all limited. It's okay. It's a part of being human, dear. It's okay. It's all right. It happens. It's okay. Letting yourself feel held. Acceptance with forgiveness.

And if you need, if it'd feel supportive actually to put a hand in the middle of your chest as if you were putting this balm. With this arm, putting this hand, putting balm—soothing, accepting, compassionate balm in your heart center. Please try that. See what that feels like. Experiment with it for a moment. It can be powerful. Self-touch can be quite powerful. Give it a try even if you've tried it before. See what it's like in this moment. It's okay.

You did your best. You did your best in that moment. You've done your best. If you could have done any differently, any better, you would have. Of course you would have. Of course you would have, there's no doubt you would have. Given all the causes and conditions in that moment, internally, externally. So many different things and conditions gave rise to it happening the way it did. If you could have done differently, you would have. So trust. Trust and forgive yourself and the causes and conditions that came together. Forgive those too, and the part that you played. It wasn't just alone you, there's other things too. So recognize those. Recognize the causes and conditions. Forgiving them. Forgiving yourself.

Holding yourself with care, with love. You're already hurting. You've already been hurt. Not kicking or hitting yourself. As if a beloved child or a little puppy. It's okay. You've done your best. Letting go of the contraction. Releasing. There is no use. There is no use to feeling contracted, especially if there is shame or challenging emotions. No use. We can have remorse. Learn from what went wrong in a sphere of compassion, this sphere of care. Just holding yourself with care, with kindness.

You are both the mother and the child. There's the sense of power, uprightness, forgiveness, courage, grace that you can extend to yourself. Both give and receive. Both the mother and the child. Sense of energy, fierceness, uprightness, powerful love that holds the hurt and holds the tenderness.

It's okay, sweetheart. It's okay.

And as we move closer to the end of this sit together. Releasing, letting go of whatever arose or did not arise. Letting there be a sense of appreciation. We showed up. We did our best. So many causes and conditions. Can we forgive? Can we hold with care, with love, this being who is us doing their best? If we could do any better, could have done better, we would have. It's all okay.

Appreciating, appreciating ourselves and all who are practicing with us in community. Appreciating them, their goodness. And this way creating wholesome karma^[1]. If we bring love, care, forgiveness to what might have been challenging or difficult or unskillful, at least we're planting wholesome seeds: kindness, forgiveness, wisdom, instead of more anger, aversion, disappointment, self-flagellation.

And sharing this goodness. Sharing this goodness with generosity, with all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere, all us beings, all us humans who make mistakes, may all of us be happy. Be healthy. Be safe. May all of us have ease. May all of us be free.

Reflections

Thanks everyone. Thank you for your practice.

So we have a few minutes for reflections. What you might have discovered, what came up. And you're invited to share whatever you would like to share for the benefit of others, for the benefit of the sangha^[2]. Offering a gift, you're offering a gift through your reflections. Your questions, maybe what went wrong, what didn't work, it's all okay. And you can raise your Zoom hand. If it's your physical hand, I will not see because there are multiple pages on my Zoom. And you can type them in chat.

Charles Lee says, "Thanks." Thank you, Charlie. Thanks for your practice.

You can type them to everyone, in which case I'll read your name, or just to me privately, in which case I won't read your name, it'll be private. So, gifts from the sangha, discoveries. Did you notice a shift? What was it like at the beginning with the habitual way that you respond to the mistake, versus when you brought in the embracing, hugging arms and the balm? Did you notice the difference? What happened?

And holding space of silence is perfectly fine in this community, we know that. So it's all good.

I'll share something with you as I hold space for any reflections that might come up from you. For me, as I was doing this practice, yes, there's definitely—it's so interesting—just a little bit of contraction, and for me, it's more in the heart center, like, "Oh, I wish that didn't happen." And then, "Oh, sweetheart, it's okay, it's okay." And then there's a sense of strength and uprightness. Really, as I lead you guys, of course, I'm in that space with you.

Elaine says, "I appreciated taking the time to be gentle and have deep forgiveness with myself." Thank you.

Jamie, I do see your hand, please.

Jamie: Well, I want to thank you for the invitation to both give and receive a mother's love. I hope I'll remember to revisit that again. You know, as a cis man and a father, I've never given a mother's love before, and it was really amazing to try it. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you so much, Jamie. Thank you for sharing that. So beautiful. Yeah, thank you for exploring that and that lighting up for you. As you said, as a cis man, as a father, beautiful. Thank you. I'm so touched. Yay. May it support you in your journey as a human being, as a cis man, as a father. Beautiful.

Sarah says, "I like that notion that the more self-compassion we have for ourselves, the less we need to blame others." Yes! Yes, isn't that great? Isn't that wonderful? And see it for yourself. Just the study is pretty cool, and I wondered if that came up for you experientially also in this practice, like, "Oh, it was their fault, they should have done it this way or that way," maybe like, "Well, it's okay, it's all right. I didn't see," or something like that. So, yeah, pretty cool.

How about we turn into practicing in community in small groups of three on Zoom, and holding each other with compassion, with care. And as always, we only speak from our own experience. Or you can be silent, you don't have to say anything. You can hold space. When it's your turn, you can say pass and be present, it's perfectly fine. And you're invited, if you like, to share what came up for you, what did you discover. And even if you fell asleep or were distracted, that's okay too. No problem. That's what you can practice with in the moment. Usually, I would beat myself up because I fell asleep, but no, "It's okay, sweetie. You didn't get a lot of sleep last night," right? Can you practice in real time with these instructions, with these invitations?

And so in small groups, the invitation is one person will share one nugget of their experience, and then the next person, and then the next person, and they'll come back to you, and then we'll go around and around until the time is up. And again, please only share from your own experience authentically, as much or as little as you like to share. Silence is fine. And not managing, directing, probing others. Let them have their own experience. Just holding space. This is part of the practice. Holding compassionate space for all of us humans. We're doing the best we can, doing the best we can.

So with that, I'd like to create the rooms, the breakout rooms, which I haven't yet created. Here we go. Let's see if there are any invitations that I usually give which I forgot. And I think that's it. So here we go. I'm going to open the rooms. Be kind to yourself, be kind to each other. What a fantastic way to practice in sangha. Here we go.

[Breakout rooms open and close]

Okay, the rooms are closed. Welcome back everyone. And we have just about a couple minutes if there are any reflections, questions, comments after having practiced in small groups.

Katrin, please.

Katrin: I was really grateful for this practice. It's very, very apropos for me. I've had this question, and maybe you can't speak to it in this short amount of time, but it really troubles me, which is like the thing: if we could have done something different, then we would have. But like, how does that work in the present moment when we are trying to make a decision? It's not a philosophical question because it's really like, how do I make a decision if that is the case? I feel responsible, but then it couldn't have happened any other way. Part of a greater issue of decision making for me, but...

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh, it is. Yeah, I appreciate that. It is. Given the 30 seconds left, I'll try to do it justice. Here goes a big philosophical question! Think of it this way, or feel into it this way: that there are a lot of causes and conditions. There are external, internal, and think of it as probabilistic, right? Because really the question you're asking me brings in the question of free will. Do we have free will or do we not have free will? Like, "If I can't do any different, why am I... but I do feel like I have intentionality. I want to have intentionality." So all of those really come together.

It's really the weight of, and the idea of karma, is it's not deterministic. Karma isn't deterministic, or causes and conditions aren't deterministic. It's just that the probability is kind of stacked this way, right? It's stacked this way. But if you really work hard and you know, you just you can shift and change it. But if it's really stacked in a particular way, like, "Oh yeah, that's the way it would have gone, it would be really hard to change it in that moment." But it doesn't mean that I can't keep trying and shifting and setting the intention so that it becomes more likely.

So in the example that I gave with you know, stepping off the curb and getting a sprained ankle: "Oh yeah, you know, maybe glasses were fogged up from wearing a mask." It's like all these causes and conditions, "Oh yeah, okay." And yet, I know I can change the karma. Like, "Okay, now I know wearing the mask like this is what happens. I will change it." I can! But in that moment, that's the best that could have happened. Because this is just simple. So there is free will in... well anyway, that's a bigger question. I don't want to say that, but anyway, does that help hold both of those for you, both the past and the present?

Katrin: Yeah, and it's a forgiving perspective that's evolutionary. It's like, "Oh yeah, things change." It makes me think of life as a practice and an experiment, versus a constant test of getting things right.

Nikki Mirghafori: I appreciate that. Beautiful. I appreciate you putting it that way. Exactly. It's just always, yeah, with kindness, forgiveness. We're going to keep trying, keep intending, turning, turning, keep turning, changing the stream. Keep trying to change the stream, and yet when there are so many forces, it's okay. It's okay, sweetheart.

So yay, what a rich hour. Thank you all for your practice. Thank you for your practice, hanging in here. Thank you all, beautiful. Dedicating the merit: may all beings be well, may all beings be forgiving, may all beings be free.

Thank you. Take care, be well.