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Happy Hour: Truthfulness / Wise Speech as a Gift to Ourselves

Hello again, and welcome to Happy Hour everyone. For the theme today, I'd like to invite us to consider wise speech, specifically truthfulness. There are many aspects to wise speech, but today we will look at truthfulness as an expression of mettā^[1], not just for others, but really for ourselves. It is an expression of care and an expression of love for ourselves. I want to bring those two concepts together for us to sit with and to practice with during the guided meditation.

The consideration is that we often don't connect the teachings on sīla^[2] (ethical conduct)—truthfulness being a subcategory of wise speech—with the Brahma-vihāras^[3], the heart practices. But they are intertwined. All of the Dharma is interconnected. To me, the more I get into the Dharma, all aspects of it are like a cloth. You take one thread and pull it, and you realize, "Oh yes, this thread is the whole cloth." All these aspects of the teachings really come together.

So, what is the relationship between truthfulness, honesty, and love? How are they related? They are related in many ways, but consider this formulation: Not only is it an act of care and love to be truthful to others—not to deceive them, but to offer safety and care—but even more so, it's for ourselves. I want to emphasize that, because it may seem counter-intuitive. There is a teaching on the bliss of blamelessness. It's such a beautiful heart space to have. Because when we have done something, even just a little untruthful, or we've told a lie, there is a niggling feeling. It doesn't sit right, it doesn't feel right, and it can lead to all kinds of other problems and issues—not sleeping well, and the heart being riled up.

As a way to really love ourselves and care for this being who is me, we offer ourselves this gift of honesty. Ah, what a relief. What a relief. As I'm sharing this brief talk, consider times when maybe there was a niggling feeling, or something you weren't quite truthful about. You were sitting with, "Should I do it this way or that way?" And in reality, it caused a lot of trouble for you and others. Also, maybe you can remember a case where there was a sense of clearing, a clarity, a resolution. Maybe you were about to say something untruthful or unethical, and then when you actually did the right thing, there was a sense of release. A release and a relief for yourself. As an act of care for yourself, you thought, "Gosh, this was so easy, why didn't I do this earlier? It would have been so easy to tell the truth and act ethically."

So, in praise of honesty and in praise of truthfulness as an act of mettā, it's an act of care. It's an act of offering safety, love, and care for ourselves, especially for ourselves, as well as others. It's interesting; whenever we think of honesty, we usually think, "Oh yeah, be honest for the sake of others." That is true, absolutely. But I'm trying to bring in a different aspect here, which we usually don't consider: how important it is for our own benefit.

There's also another thing I want to briefly connect this with, and that is the Five Daily Reflections. The fifth one has to do with karma. The fifth reflection is that I am the owner of my actions, heir to my actions, born of my actions, related through my actions, and have my actions as my arbitrator and protection. Whatever I do, for good or for ill, to that will I fall heir. This sense of our actions really impacts ourselves first and foremost. Do we want to care for ourselves? Do we want to love ourselves, and not rile ourselves up and cause problems for our future selves?

For our consideration, the invitation is not to feel tight about honesty, truthfulness, and wise speech, but to actually see it as a gift. See it as a gift of love. See it as a gift of protection we give ourselves first and foremost. Yes, others too, but forget about them for a moment. Really feel the sense of filling our own cup with care, with our own truthfulness, honesty, and wise speech.

Guided Meditation

So, offered for your reflection. And now let's sit together. Let's meditate together. I invite us to settle into our meditation posture, whether sitting, lying down, or standing. If you're sitting, feel your body releasing onto the chair or the cushion. What a gift. What a gift to just sit and be breathed. Let awareness connect with the in-breath and out-breath. Notice the sensations—not the thought of the in-breath and out-breath, but the sensations in the body. Very simple, nourishing. Allow your heart to settle. Ready your mind to settle, taking refuge in the simplicity of this moment.

If thoughts arise, say, "Thank you, dear thoughts. Nothing wrong with you, but not right now. I am giving my heart to this practice." So good, so delicious to be just here, right here. And again, if thoughts come to take you away, dancing away, say, "Thank you, my dance card is full right now with heartfulness, with mindfulness. Later. Later." The most beautiful dance with the breath is right here, the breath and the body. Don't miss it. The most beautiful waltz of the breath. In, out. Taking refuge in the simplicity of this moment.

Dancing with the body. Soothing, calming. Be present for the dance, this precious dance that doesn't last forever. Feel connected to the earth, a sense of integrity. Sitting upright, the uprightness of the spine, a sense of integrity of the heart. Both physical uprightness, really taking your seat on this earth, feeling connected and rooted, and feeling the seat of your agency. You are alive, you have agency. Feel the seat of your power in your sit bones. Connected, well-rooted, alive.

From this seat of your power, your agency, feel your spine rising upright. Feel your heart expand, your shoulders relaxed. Integrity. From this place, feeling your uprightness and rootedness, let your heart conjure up a memory of a time when it was so easy to not be truthful, but you were. A sense of uprightness. It could be something very small. It could have been a white lie you avoided. This is not the time to think of all the times you were not truthful, but just turn your awareness to a time when maybe it would have been so easy to say the equivalent of "the dog ate my homework," but you were upright and truthful. Maybe instead of saying, "There was a lot of traffic," you said, "I actually left later than I anticipated. I'm sorry." You were truthful.

Or any other simple act of truthfulness. If a memory doesn't come up, imagine yourself actually doing that, saying that. A sense of goodness, uprightness, clarity. The gift of truthfulness. Ah, how soothing that is to your heart. How aligned you feel. The heart feels good, recognizing and seeing its own goodness. Conjuring up, imagining telling the truth, see how that feels in your heart, your whole body. Maybe coming clean, or whatever it might be. Clearing your karma, setting in motion truthfulness for the future. Making your karma wholesome, so that future actions are more truthful.

Put it in motion right now in your heart, in your imagination, in your mind. Feel this goodness, how good it feels. Letting go, releasing. Recognizing this goodness within your heart. Such a gift to yourself, this recognition of your own goodness. Maybe a smile arises. There is goodness here, yes. Goodness seeds, more of them being planted right now, yes.

Let yourself feel the wholesomeness of this goodness. Kindness to yourself, for yourself. Holding yourself with benevolence, with appreciation. "I am capable of kindness, of truthfulness, of wholesomeness. Of course. I appreciate and cherish the being who is me." May my goodness increase. May my truthfulness continue and grow as a gift to myself. A gift of the bliss of blamelessness. A gift to others. Appreciating all the times you've been truthful in the past—so many times, oh my goodness! And honoring the intention, the beauty of this intention moving forward, as a gift to yourself. May my goodness grow. May my goodness continue. May my truthfulness be a gift to myself and others in all aspects of life, bringing safety, relief, healing, and the bliss of blamelessness. I wish myself well. I see the goodness. May I be well.

Then, maybe just for the joy of it, imagine all the truthful statements that you've made through your life as a chorus of angels singing back to you. Your wholesome karma for truthfulness. We're going to bring the good to our mind, to our heart. Emphasize the good so that it grows. There's another practice for remorse, but not right now. Emphasize and see the good. All this truthfulness, especially when it was hard to be truthful. All these devas^[4], these celestial beings, singing your praises. "Yes, well done. Well done."

Seeing your own goodness, be inspired. A sense of aspiration for more good, as a gift to yourself, as a gift to others. Is there any clearing that needs to happen? It's so easy, easier than we think. Allow yourself to sit with a sense of mettā, kindness for yourself, wholeheartedness. Having recognized your own goodness, "May I be well. May my goodness be a gift to myself and to others. May my goodness increase. May it grow. I wish myself well and more goodness."

Spreading the kindness, truthfulness around you. To the people who've supported you, cared for you, whom you care about. Yes, maybe they have not been perfect, but appreciating the times that truthfulness really supported you, seeing the goodness. Offering appreciation, and offering your goodness, your truthfulness, as a gift of safety and kindness to those around you. Radiating out. Radiating kindness, radiating safety and care, truthfulness. Making ourselves safe for others.

Appreciating your goodness again, that you showed up and practiced with these invitations as best as you were able to. Letting go of the outcome, you did the best you could. Yay for that! Yay! And offering this wholeheartedness, this showing up, this goodness, as a gift to all beings everywhere, including yourself. May it be a cause and condition for all beings waking up. May all beings be free. May all beings be happy, including ourselves.

Reflections and Q&A

Thanks everyone, thanks for your practice. There are so many different aspects and dimensions to the practice of the Brahma-vihāras. As I mentioned, it really ties into the rest of the teachings, including truthfulness as an offering of safety to ourselves and others. I wonder what came up for you as you were doing this practice? Did you recognize the goodness and truthfulness, and how upright it feels? When it is so easy to tell a white lie, but instead you tell the truth, how good it feels. It's a reaffirmation of goodness. It's a gift to ourselves.

Also, if it's ever been the case in your life where maybe there's been a reckoning, perhaps that was a relief. "Oh yes, I was holding this heaviness, this rock of untruthfulness for a long time, and now, gosh, how blissful not to have to carry this anymore."

I invite your reflections. I'm changing the chat settings; you can send chats to everyone, or if you send it to me, it'll be private. You can also raise your Zoom hand. I see Richard's hand.

Richard: This practice, you know, I'm very happy about it. It's led me to be much more myself. I speak much more freely, much more naturally. On occasion, I'll express happiness over some good news that I've had, and somebody in my audience will feel bad that they haven't had the same good fortune. It's almost like to be truly wise you have to shut up all the time. I don't quite know how to balance that.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Richard, it's a great question. It's also about how we share, and with whom we share. Truthfulness, as we talked about it tonight—if there is a piece of good news, I'm going to make an extreme case. Say you are falling in love, it's a new relationship and you're so excited about it. Yet, maybe you have a friend whose partner has just left them, or has died. Gushing about it is maybe not very wise. Wisdom comes in there. It's truthful to say, "Oh yes," but it's not very caring or compassionate to gush about how awesome it is.

In this specific case that you're talking about, wisdom knows when it's not appropriate to be gushing. Of course, that can bring up grief and sadness, and not muditā^[5] (vicarious joy) for the other person. There are also cases with people in your life where it's part of their practice to work with envy or jealousy. So it may not be good timing. With wise speech, there are five different aspects. One is it has to be not just truthful, but timely. In the case I laid out, it may not be timely.

With wise speech, there is also kindness. It may not actually be kind for you to gush when you know this person has a tendency to go into envy and self-recrimination. Knowing all those things, it may not be kind. All those aspects of wise speech must be satisfied. You have to be wise. It's not just about being truthful; sharing your good news and boasting about it is a special case. Does that make sense, the distinction? Great, thanks for that question.

Are there other questions or reflections more generally about truthfulness, about the theme of the practice that we just did together? The sense of safety, the sense of seeing our own goodness. What came up for you? Jamie, please.

Jamie: Well, I need to leave a little early tonight, Nikki, and I just wanted to say thank you before I leave. I was adopted, and I think as a child I was a bit of a square peg in the round hole of my adopted family. Even though they were loving and did their best for me, I didn't really want to see the ways in which my family and I were not a perfect fit. Truthfulness didn't actually come easily as a result of that. Somehow this sit just allowed me to see that, and that it's okay to be honest now.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Jamie. Thank you so much for sharing that. So beautiful. Yes, it's not only okay, but it feels good. In your voice, I was hearing the sense of fullness. "Yes, it's okay to be truthful now." The fullness of your heart is coming through the line. Thank you so much, Jamie. Thanks for the thumbs up, beautiful.

Other reflections? You can type them in the chat, you can raise your hand. We still have another couple of minutes. It's a big topic. Anything else? Anything that didn't work for you? That's okay too. Brock, please.

Brock: I really appreciated that second piece you added there about other aspects of wise speech. A friend of mine once said to me, "Brock, you wield the truth like a hammer." So what are the other ones? You said it was timely, kind, truthful...

Nikki Mirghafori: Yes. I have an acronym for myself: TTBGK. Timely, truthful, beneficial, gentle, and kind.

Brock: Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Those are the five aspects of it. All five are important. Thanks, Brock. Great reflections all, thank you for the reflections and questions.

So now, here is the invitation for our small Sangha practice this evening. Someone sent in the chat that "appropriate" is not one of the five. Yes, basically, if you do all the five, it becomes appropriate; it becomes part of wise speech.

The reflection for the small groups tonight is regarding the sense of how you feel in your body. As you feel your sense of integrity, as you feel into taking your seat, feel how that feels different when leaning into the truth or not leaning into forthrightness, into honesty, into wise speech. It's an exploration of the embodiment of wise speech with care and kindness towards yourself. Each person will have a minute to have a monologue, speaking out loud, exploring, and being held and witnessed.

Someone asked, "What do you mean by beneficial?" Beneficial means for the benefit of the other person. When you're saying something, is it of benefit for the other person? It's for the benefit of others, it's not to make your ego bigger. That's what beneficial means.

So let's turn to the breakout rooms. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. Be kind. Only speak from your own experience. Not leading, just speaking from your own experience. If you want to pass, you can pass and hold compassionate silent space for others. It's an interesting exploration of embodiment with care and the theme that we've been exploring tonight. I'm creating the rooms now. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, be kind, and enjoy this exploration. Here we go.

[Breakout rooms end]

Welcome back everybody! I would love to hear one or two reflections if we have time. What did you discover? If you haven't spoken yet, please do. Serena.

Serena: Hi, thank you for letting me ask this question. I've had a very difficult relationship with my sister, and I really have been working on this forever. I send her loving-kindness, I wish her well. However, when there are family situations where we're both present and she takes over—and whatever dynamics happen—I always wind up leaving the place feeling wounded. A lot of the time I don't leave the place feeling okay. I really don't know what else to do besides staying away from her.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you for asking that question. It sounds like you've been working on these complicated dynamics. Given that it's already past seven to go into detail, this is one thing that I can say, Serena. I'm hearing that yes, you are doing mettā and compassion for her. But please do it for yourself. I didn't hear that you're doing it for yourself, because you're the one who's feeling hurt and leaving wounded. It's important for mettā and compassion to be 360 degrees.

Also, do mettā and compassion for the two of you who are entangled in this way in this life. Do mettā and compassion for the relationship, and then let go of the outcome. I think you're still attached—that's the sense I have—attached to things going a particular way. Maybe they won't in this lifetime. Still, release your heart. Release your heart from expectations and continue to have compassion for her, for yourself, and for the two of you entangled in the relationship.

Serena: Thank you. Thank you so much.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you all for your practice with this topic tonight. Quite intense, and related to mettā and care for ourselves and others. Thank you all for your practice. May your practice be of benefit. May it be of benefit to ourselves, a benefit to all beings everywhere. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. Thanks everyone. Take good care.