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Happy Hour: Creating the Conditions for Letting Go with Kindness

Hello everyone, and a warm, warm welcome to you to this rendition of Happy Hour, as we come towards the end of 2020. For the practice today, what I wanted to invite us to explore is the invitation for putting down what's no longer serving, what's no longer needed, with metta^[1].

Let me say a few words about what I mean by that. The theme is inspired by many things, one of them being that often towards the end of a year, there is this idea of resolutions. One reflection that could be helpful—even though one can say, "Oh, end of the year, beginning of another, it's all conceptual. It's just one moment at a time"—yes, all of that is true. It's all one moment at a time, and it's all concepts. Yes.

And yet, how can we use this concept of a transition from one year to another, 2020 to 2021, in a skillful way? How can we use this concept that everybody buys into, that we agree upon, to support our practice? One way is to consider: in this past year, or in the past in general, are there patterns, are there things that have been coming up that are no longer serving, no longer helpful? You can see a pattern, maybe it comes up as a pattern of thought that you see, and you become mindful of it. Aware of it. And then, with all the kindness in your heart, bowing to it, saying, "Thank you. Maybe you served me at some point. Maybe you supported me. Maybe you made me feel safe. And you're not needed right now. You've served. Thank you."

With all the care, all the friendliness, all the metta in our heart, seeing it and inviting it to be put down. In this way, it's not that we're throwing it down, saying, "Stop it, you pattern of thought!" There is no ill will. There's a sense of appreciation, and then putting it down.

I also want to share a tiny little story before we start, because this is the image I'd like to evoke. This is the famous story of two monks, an older monk and a younger monk, who had taken a vow of never touching a woman. (In the Theravada^[2] tradition, a male monk takes a vow of not touching people of another gender.) In this story, a senior monk and a younger monk were walking together, and they come to the bank of a river. There they see a young woman who asks them for help: "Can you help me cross?" Without saying anything, the older monk picks up the young woman, carries her across, puts her down on the other side, and then the two monks continue.

The younger monk is livid, angry. He doesn't say anything for an hour, thinking in his mind, "How could you? You touched a woman! You had taken a vow of never touching a woman!" This continues for another two or three hours. Finally, the young monk turns to the older monk and says, "How could you do that? You touched the woman!" He is very upset and angry. And the older monk—and here's the punch line, the image I'd like you to carry with yourself—says, "Oh, I put her down by the bank of the river. You're still carrying her."

What are we still carrying? Whom are we still carrying when we could have just gently, kindly put them down by the bank of the river? In the spirit of metta, there is a lot of kindness and gentleness, the same way that the older monk puts the woman gently on the other side. That's what we'd like to evoke tonight.

Guided Meditation

Without further ado, I'd like to invite all of us to get into our meditation posture. If you need to move, to shift from a chair to a cushion, from a cushion to a chair, if you need to lie down, it's all good. See what your body needs in this moment.

Settling... settling into this body. Maybe you need to sit up a little more straight to have a sense of wakefulness, inviting the body to rest, the muscles to relax. Putting down... putting down with kindness, with gentleness, any thoughts, any preoccupations we've been carrying. Putting down all stories, even the story I just told you, all the words. Putting it all down.

Let yourself be refreshed, arriving in the body. Taking refuge. As if you were soaking in a healing, soothing, calming river. Gentle. Feeling the moisture, just the perfect temperature, caressing your muscles, your body. Letting your body relax. If there is tightness or holding, imagining it's being offered up, soaked in the river.

Allowing your legs to relax, soften. Your sit bones, your abdomen. To let go from the inside. Letting your hands feel heavy. Your neck and shoulders relaxing. Your face, your forehead... softened, smoothed, stretched. Your jaw relaxed. Your whole face giving up its tension. Relaxing, softening from the inside.

Receiving the breath in the abdomen. Soothing, calming, settling. Noticing that each breath can calm and settle you. The soothing power of each in-breath and out-breath, like a calming, mellifluous, sweet-sounding lullaby.

Appreciating this moment of quiet, finally sitting down. The body, the refuge of the breath... what a delight. Enjoying breathing or being breathed.

And if thoughts, memories, preoccupations arise, it's okay. See them, smile at them. "Hello, friend." A nod of recognition, and then, ever so gently, just as the older monk caringly put the young woman safely down by the bank of the river, you right now during this meditation, putting the thought kindly, warm-heartedly down. Setting it down by the bank of the river. "Thank you." Turning your heart wholeheartedly to the breath, in the body, in this practice right now.

You may have to do this many, many times. It's okay. Every time, do it with patience and kindness. It's a training. It's a training in kindness and gentleness and putting down. Putting down what's not needed right now. Same thing over and over.

Receiving the breath in the body, feeling the body, feeling embodied. Never leaving the body through this practice, as much as possible. And as patterns—patterns of thought, repetitive patterns—come up, really turning and seeing them clearly. Turning awareness onto these thoughts, these patterns of preoccupation, with kindness. Really seeing them clearly for what they are. Recognizing them, smiling at them. "Oh, here you are again. I see you, I recognize you. Yes." And seeing if this pattern is no longer needed, no longer helpful, no longer serving. Then choosing... choosing with kindness, with kindness to yourself, to be of benefit to yourself and others in the world, with goodwill all around. Gently, kindly setting down this pattern.

Knowing that it might come up again because it's a habit. Of course it's a habit. And yet, every time you clearly see it and recognize it with kindness—not with anger, but with kindness—and you put it down with gentleness... every time you do this, recognize and put down gently, kindly, you are strengthening your heart both in kindness and in wisdom. Kindness and wisdom growing every time you do this. Intertwined together, growing in wisdom and kindness.

One of the patterns that might come up is a pattern of self-judgment. "Oh, you can't put anything down. You can't do this right. You're a failure." Oh, see, that is a pattern! "Oh dear. Thank you. Thank you." With kindness, intending to lay it down.

Again, many patterns, many thoughts might come up over and over again. The idea isn't to put them down and you're done for once. That's not the expectation. It's the training. It's the training to see clearly. We train our mind to be still, to be patient, to see clearly with wisdom. To not be scared or angry, but with kindness intent to let them go. Knowing that once may not be enough, but it's that training, it's turning our mind.

As the Buddha says, whatever you reflect upon becomes the inclination of your mind. So this is what we reflect upon, so that it becomes the inclination of our mind. That's the crucial difference. The inclination of the mind towards calm and clear seeing, kindness, gentleness, and turning towards wisdom and kindness again and again in the actions of the mind. And then coming back to the breath and the body. Just breathing. Appreciating this breath in this moment. Not judging yourself. Hang in there. Begin again, begin again in this moment. Every moment is a fresh moment. Begin again.

And for the last couple of minutes of this practice period, turning your attention, your awareness to appreciation for yourself. For having showed up. For having hung in there. Even if it felt shoddy at times, the mind was here, there, and everywhere, distracted—no judgment. You showed up, you tried. Even if there was one moment of connecting with wisdom to see the patterns of thought or preoccupation, being lost, and one moment of connecting with kindness, seeing it without aversion, without anger, and with gentleness, an open heart, with metta inviting it to be put down. Even if it was just one moment, yay! Appreciating yourself for having showed up, having practiced. There are so many other things you could have done in this moment. You chose to show up, to practice, to align your intentions with your actions. Thanking yourself for your own goodness of intention, with gladness, appreciation, and delight.

Thank you for your practice. I deeply appreciate your practice, showing up for yourself, and for all those people whose lives you touch directly or indirectly. Take that in for a moment: you don't do this practice just for yourself.

Reflections and Q&A

I'd like to invite reflections, reports, questions. You can either type them in chat if you wish for all to see, or direct it to me and I'll read them out loud, or you can raise your hand. I want to invite folks who usually don't share first to make space.

Reflections on YouTube: thank you Don, Laura, and A.B. Allen. Great, thank you. Yuka says: "Harmony is mother." Oh, sweet. Thank you for that poetic reflection.

Jerry: I guess I was struck by the comments that the years are arbitrary depending on what calendar you use—the year ends in the Roman calendar and starts again in January. But it was helpful to think about stuff that one's holding and then letting go of it, and then sort of just settling yourself into that space. I recently had to travel outside the country for a few days to South America. It's cold here, so I got a chill this evening, and I just thought, "Oh my goodness, here comes COVID," despite wearing N95 masks which I had purchased prior to this. Anyway, I turned the temperature up in the house and it was warmer. But it was amazing how the mind went. It was just an attempt to try to settle me, going forward in thinking of the past, and sort of just staying here in the moment. It was very helpful to see the patterns of worry that come up. And also the idea of "we're here now" and staying in that moment, and then letting go of that. By the end of it, I seem to have no worries. [Laughter] My life is like that.

Nikki Mirghafori: That's great. Thanks, Jerry, thanks for your reflections. Other reflections, please. What happened for you? What worked, what didn't? Questions, complaints?

Bill: What if I have a pattern that I need to let go of, but I'm not ready to yet?

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh, fantastic question. Great, I was going to actually say that during the guided meditation. So, a pattern that you need to let go of, but you're not ready yet. The invitation there, Bill, is to recognize that you're not ready yet. Just the fact of recognizing that you need to let go of it, inclining your heart towards that: "Oh, may I be open to letting go of this with kindness."

It's almost like what you're saying reminds me of forgiveness. This is the invitation we usually have about forgiveness. Sometimes you're ready to let go of some grievance with someone; you've been carrying it for so long it's like, "Okay, time to put it down." And some other times, it's like, "Okay, I know I want to let go of this at some point, but I'm not quite ready yet." So that practice becomes, "May I be open to..." You incline your mind, your heart towards, "May I be ready at some point. May I recognize with wisdom." You don't have to force yourself to put it down or let go—that never works. But that's a really, really good question, I'm glad you brought it up, and I hope that's helpful.

Alana: Something that has been coming up for me in the practice of letting go and letting be has been how in some ways there's like nothing to do. It's such a new concept for me, that letting go is not something that I need to force myself to do or an action to take, but more of just creating the conditions for it to happen. Which is just outrageous! It's so different than the way that I'm used to doing things. So, I'm appreciating that new perspective.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, thank you, Alana. Brilliant. I so appreciate you bringing this in. It's creating the conditions for letting go to happen. Exactly. It's much more spacious. It's not so much that we let go, but that it can be done. That's something I was trying to bring into the spirit of this guided meditation, that you might have to do it over and over again. We're training our mind, and at some point, the mind will just go, "Ah, tired of this," and it will let go on its own. That's the beauty and the grace of it. When it happens, it gets let go of when the mind is ready.

But then keep inclining! Inclining towards kindness and seeing it with kindness. Just what you were saying and actually what Bill was saying—it's the perfect combination. Because sometimes we're not quite ready, but yet we keep gently inclining the mind, and at some point, trusting that the mind will be ready and it will do its own letting go. It's not our doing, but putting the conditions in place. Fantastic.

Trevor: I think a common theme in really trying to practice a lot of loving-kindness is noticing when coming to sit down on the cushion, just how easy the mind can slip into a kind of hindrance^[3]. You can be quite dull or tired, and then you notice subtle frustration come up. Just simple frustrations like "you're not doing it right," that can be very subtle, underneath the surface of just a small undercurrent, feeling like something's not right. Upon recognizing that, you start to want to shift yourself towards allowing that to be there and just giving that some space. I've been doing a lot of trading in the stock market, and you know, you can have small wins here, small losses there, and you brush them off, but those things add up over time. Metta is that recognition and that small seed that you're planting each time.

Nikki Mirghafori: Exactly. There are two things that I want to highlight quickly. One is the recognition—that's seeing, that's wisdom, seeing with clarity. "Oh yeah, this is what's happening." As you're describing it, you sit down, you start to notice, "Oh, this is what's happening here." And then when that awareness comes in, and then with kindness planting the seed of kindness to gently shift it. Beautiful. Thanks for describing that, Trevor.

So, time is flying, let's practice in small groups for a few minutes. The invitation is always to hold each other with kindness, holding yourself with kindness. You could share nothing, or you could share what you noticed in this practice—what your mind noticed wanting to let go of, or not.

[The group breaks into smaller groups and then returns]

Welcome back everyone. We just have about one minute. Are there any reflections? What was it like to share or hear others?

Kaiva: I just wanted to say thank you for the practice today. It helped me realize that I was angry about something at work today, and I realized that I created this whole narrative around it about who did it, about why it happened, based on prior experiences at work. But I actually didn't know any of those things, and I didn't know what happened. It just made me realize how my mind creates these narratives that are kind of false, and how silly that is, and how I can just put that down and laugh at it and observe it.

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. That is so powerful, thank you. You said it so well: it's laughable right after you get to see it, after having been in the storm, how the mind creates the storm. That's lovely.

And Jane also says it was nice to get in a small group and hear various things and how they try working it out. Fantastic, lovely.

Well, thank you for those reflections, and let's bring our session to a close together. Thank you all for showing up for your practice, and let's dedicate the goodness of our practice, the merit of our practice, to the well-being of all beings everywhere. May all beings be free, happy, liberated. Including us. Thank you.