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Early Q&A

Good morning. It's a bit early—five minutes before we start—so I'm ready and available if any of you have questions you could quickly type out in the chat.

A question: "Can I comment on guided versus silent meditation?"

They are both useful. Sooner or later, I hope that silent meditation becomes what people become really skilled at and comfortable with. If you really want to be free and at peace, you want to be able to do that without the help of anything else—just on your own. You want the ability to meet yourself, see what's going on inside, practice with it, work with the hindrances, and not use anything extra to support you.

However, guided meditations can be very important. Sometimes they are an important means by which to learn the practice. Some are more like guided instructions, and sometimes through guidance, you get an inner sense that you're not just hearing words being said; you can map it with your inner experience and understand more deeply what's going on. If you're a beginner, it also helps to have a guided meditation because it pulls you into the world of meditation and helps get you focused, giving you a sense of what's possible. It can be very encouraging and supportive. With time, you can stop using guided meditations and really learn to sit and do it for yourself.

Another reason for guided meditations is that sometimes our lives are just so difficult. Rather than struggling unnecessarily with difficulties, sometimes guided meditations are what gets us grounded, settled down, relaxed, and less afraid in a useful way. They get us ready to do what needs to be done, or ready for sleep so we can sleep better. In Buddhist practice, the basic idea is to do what's helpful, but with the understanding that anything done too much—anything you end up depending on—can eventually become a crutch, and that's not so useful. So, both are good.

Next question: "Can you please share how to prioritize hindrances if I feel I have multiple of them at the same time?"

Great question. Some people have multiple hindrance attacks, and that's particularly hard if they're all coming at once. There's strong desire, and then there's hostility or aversion towards the desire, then there's confusion about what to do, and agitation, and doubt. Should I go to the breath? Should I go to the anger? To the confusion? There's all this doubt about what to do. Then it's just too much, exhausting, and resistance and sloth and torpor set in. Multiple hindrance attacks are really dangerous; people can do all kinds of foolish, unhealthy things that way.

How to prioritize the hindrances? If it's a really strong multiple hindrance attack, it might be that it's not the time to delve into the hindrances themselves. We might need to do something different to settle and quiet down enough. I'll talk a little bit about that today. But maybe a walk around the neighborhood, or even a nap if that's possible. Maybe take a few really long, slow, deep breaths to settle something so that we're not in the grip of all these things. Sometimes talking with a friend helps. If it's really strong, you need something besides meditation.

If it's coming up in meditation and you feel like you can manage it, there are two general directions. One is to just keep stepping back and getting the bigger picture. It might be that the most helpful thing is to simply see, "This is a multiple hindrance attack. Wow." Don't try to dig in there and figure out what to do. Just open up to what it's like. In my own practice, sometimes the broadest mental note that gives me a handle on things when they are really difficult is simply saying to myself, "Chaos. This is just chaos." As soon as I say "chaos," there's breathing room and a light comes on—"Oh, that's what it is." If I keep probing, analyzing, and trying to figure it out, I just get caught in the web of complexity. But saying "Oh, chaos," allows me to feel what chaos is like. There might be a lot of energy in my torso, and I can go in and feel that more closely, because sometimes the energetics of the body are what's important.

Another thing about multiple hindrance attacks is that there might be some deeper underlying emotion which is the ground out of which they come. By stepping back and looking, you might ask, "What am I really feeling beneath all these things?" You might recognize that it's not the hindrance that needs attention, but this deeper emotion, maybe fear or something similar.

In terms of prioritizing hindrances, it's generally wise to prioritize whatever is most compelling, whatever is strongest or predominant. That becomes the entry point. It makes it easy; you don't have to guess, swim around, or analyze. I like the word "compelling" because it relates to our preferences or orientation, so we don't have to struggle against ourselves too much. Since it's strong and compelling, it's easy to just go there and connect to it.

Remember, with mindfulness meditation, we don't put first and foremost the idea that we're trying to get through or overcome something. First and foremost, we are trying to strengthen our capacity for mindfulness. Anything is useful for that. Whatever hindrance you're working with becomes the sharpening stone for the knife of mindfulness. You don't have to be so focused on how to fix it; fixing it is perhaps a bit overrated in mindfulness practice. It's more about opening up and really seeing what is here. A lot of things just work themselves out when there is clear seeing.

Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation Part 2 (3 of 8): Desire

It's time to start, so I appreciate those questions. Maybe tomorrow I'll start a little early if I can to take more questions; this is actually a wonderful way of doing it.

So my friends, welcome back to our introduction to mindfulness meditation part two. We're looking at the hindrances, and today we're going to look at the hindrance of sensual desire.

In order to begin into this topic today, and anytime there's going to be a practice opportunity like this, it's nice to just pause at the beginning to get settled and connected. Learning the art of a 30-second or 60-second settling is very helpful. Without changing your posture, just close your eyes and do a three-breath journey. Just count each breath three times: one, two, three breaths. Just be with your breathing.

Let's do that again. Count three breaths in a three-breath journey. At the end of each exhale, relax and settle your body.

And a third time, count three breaths. This time as you exhale, can you soften and relax the thinking muscle? Let the mind become more settled, or rest the mind with each exhale.

Take one deep breath, and when you're ready, open your eyes.

The first of the five hindrances is usually translated as sensual desire. It's useful to step back and look at desire in general. First, desire is a central aspect of human life. It's such a big part of it that it would probably be fair to call human beings "human desirings." We're always desiring. Desiring is part of life all the time. Whether it's small or big, healthy or unhealthy, there's always some kind of desire. Even wanting to eat is a desire. Wanting to go to the bathroom is a desire. Wanting to make yourself comfortable as you sit is a desire. All these things drive us, move us, inspire us, and help us make our way through our daily life.

It's very important not to automatically make desire a problem—to think that desire itself is the problem we have to overcome. There has to be some discernment about desires, and there are two distinctions to be made.

One is between desires which are healthy and appropriate, and those which are unhealthy, unhelpful, or inappropriate. Having wisdom about that distinction is very helpful. The word "appropriate" is important because some desires could be very healthy in some situations, but not in others. If we have a very busy, full life, and we would like to help a neighbor with their shopping, that seems like a noble and wonderful thing to do. But if we're already stretched thin, and that's the straw that breaks the camel's back, then the desire to be helpful probably isn't appropriate at that moment. We better take care of ourselves or finish what we said we were going to do rather than take on a new thing. There are lots of very healthy desires, but the timing or situation for them may not be appropriate. We have to distinguish so we're not making all desires a problem.

A third distinction is between desires that come up where there is no compulsion to act on them, and those where there is compulsion. Compulsion means we are driven. There is a sense of urgency, a feeling of "I have to do this," or desperation. It is a very strong energy driving us, sometimes against our own wisdom. The extreme version of this is addiction—very strong desires for food, alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, approval from others, being right, or insisting on our opinions. These are very powerful in the psyche.

Even when the object or purpose of a healthy desire is good in and of itself, it can come with a compulsion where we are not really free. Sometimes, because it's a healthy desire, it's easy to justify it and not notice that we're being driven and pushed into doing it, sometimes in inappropriate situations.

Then there are desires that come up without compulsion. There can be a lot of strength, clarity, and enthusiasm to them, but there's no drivenness, no sense of "I have to do this or else." We can just see our desire. Desires come a dime a dozen; they come and go. When there is no compulsion, we can look at the desire and say, "It seems like a good desire. The situation warrants it. Let me act on it in a relaxed way, not like a bulldozer pushing through to get what I want. If it works out, great." Forms of compulsion often have to do with expectation or a sense of need. Of course we have needs, but the compulsion that can accompany them transforms need into neediness, and then we are not free.

To make these distinctions—healthy and unhealthy, appropriate and inappropriate, compulsion or no compulsion—is important. The idea of compulsion or drivenness is fascinating. If you quiet your mind and close your eyes, you can usually feel it physically in the mind and body. You can feel the extra tension, pressure, reaching out, grabbing hold, and contraction that comes with compulsion. To really feel that tension and contraction is a game-changer. It allows us to step away and see what's going on underneath it, rather than being pushed unconsciously.

It's also important to have a lot of respect for desire. Respect means not to dismiss or demean anything, but to see that it's worth our attention. It's okay for it to be there. The word "respect" also relates to looking again—like "spectacle." Mindfulness practice has a lot to do with looking again, not automatically reacting or jumping to conclusions, but pausing to ask, "What is this really? Let me take a look."

If we respect our desires and really be with them, we first just get the general picture. Sometimes it's a big deal to admit how strong a desire is, or even what our desires are, because some operate subconsciously. Early in my practice, a desire that I didn't know was operating was the desire to be liked by other people. In and of itself, that's okay. But having a neediness for everyone to like me was exhausting. The social gymnastics of trying to figure out how to make everyone like me was just not possible. Eventually, I learned that the cost of this compulsion to be liked was too much work, and it was actually counterproductive. I hadn't seen that it was operating under the radar. Admitting these deeper desires is a huge growth spurt—having the honesty to say, "I'm embarrassed to admit this, but that kind of desire is what's operating."

Sometimes desires take the form of addictions that are so strong they are very hard to resist. There are things to do before meditation if desires are really strong to help break the intensity. It could be stepping away for fresh air and walking around the block. It could be calling a friend who represents something different than getting your desires satisfied at all costs. If there's an alcoholic addiction, talk to a friend in recovery. The Buddha talked about finding a good spiritual friend (kalyāṇa-mitta)^[1] to talk to when desire is really strong.

You can also do something that helps you relax, like taking a shower, taking a nap, or eating. Sometimes not having enough to drink or eat can lend compulsivity to addictions.

For meditators, when desires are really strong, a very instructive exercise is something I call "riding out the wave." As soon as you feel a strong addiction or impulse you almost can't resist, go find a comfortable chair. Sit in the chair and have an unshakable commitment not to leave it—to stay there and not act on the impulse. It can be like a rodeo; it can be wild in there. The lawyers of the mind will come up and explain why it's so important. There will be a tremendous feeling like, "I'm going to die if I don't get it; it has to be now." Very strong forces can arise. But don't move. Sit there, maybe hold the arms of the chair, and insist on staying because sooner or later, the wave will crest. The intensity will pick up and pick up, but eventually, the wave will crest and diminish, and you'll find yourself on the other side. I've known many people who followed this instruction, and they came back saying, "This was so empowering. I developed so much confidence and strength. I broke out in a sweat, but I rode out the wave. Now when these things come, they're less powerful, or I know what to do."

These are things you can do independently of meditation because we respect the intensity of the desire. Sometimes sitting down in formal meditation isn't the time and place to work through that intensity.

The particular desire the Buddha focused on as a hindrance is sensual desire, kāma in the ancient language of Pali^[2]. The Buddha called the human realm the kāma loka^[3]—the realm of desire. Kāma encompasses any sensual desire: desire for comfort, pleasure, sex, or good experiences like good food. These can be very primal and intense in human beings. The Buddha may have emphasized them for meditation practice because as the mind gets quieter and desires for abstract things settle down, we are more in touch with the immediacy of our physical experience. The desire for good feelings or a "good meditation" is one of the last things that becomes obvious.

When I was a new meditator, I didn't think of myself as having many sensual desires. But it doesn't take much reflection to realize that desire is often integrated deeply into people's lives in subconscious ways. We spend extra money to buy something more pleasant or enjoyable than what is strictly practical. You could buy a cheap used car just to get around, but you buy a nicer one because it's a pleasant experience to drive. You could buy simple food, but you spend a bit more for something more pleasant. It's not wrong to do that; it satisfies something deep inside us to have some aesthetic pleasure. The point is to recognize that it's always operating. To what degree are we free to choose, and to what degree are we being pushed into it automatically?

How do we work with this when we sit in meditation? This is where the BELLA^[4] acronym I talked about yesterday comes into play. The first step, representing "B", is to Be still. Sit and become aware of the desire. Don't make it a problem, don't be critical or angry with it, and don't be ashamed of it. Just acknowledge, "Here is a desire." Respect it and let it be. Being still means recognizing it's there but not acting on it. Step back and take a look at it. This helps you discern: Is it a healthy or unhealthy desire? Is it appropriate or inappropriate at this time? Is there compulsion with it?

For example, if your knees hurt while meditating, you may desire for them to be more comfortable. Is that healthy and appropriate? It depends. If you've been moving and adjusting every ten seconds, maybe it's not appropriate to do it again. Maybe it's appropriate to just see what's going on in a deeper way. Is there compulsion? I've had knee pain and felt really driven to change my posture. What was interesting was to look at the compulsion and relax that. Then I actually had more wisdom about whether to move my knee or not.

The "E" is to Explore or investigate it. One way to investigate desire—and this is true for aversion as well—is to recognize that there's usually an object of the desire, something we want or are fantasizing about. Turn your attention around 180 degrees and look at the subjective experience of desiring. At that point, you are no longer focused on the object; you are respecting the act of desiring. Where is it in the body? What are the physical sensations? What are the contractions? Is there a sense of compulsivity? Hold all that gently in awareness. Watch the pull and push, the feeling of being for or against, and just breathe and feel what's going on.

The "L" is to Lessen the intensity. We can lessen it by relaxing the shoulders, the belly, the face, the eyes, and the jaw. Maybe we can soften the mind as well.

The second "L" is to Let go. At some point, it might be possible to let go of the desire. Often desires come with thoughts, so we let go of the thoughts or let go of the desire itself.

And finally, the "A" is to Appreciate. As desires lessen or stop, appreciate how nice it is not to be caught in the grip of compulsion. Appreciate the peace, the quiet, the subtleness, and maybe even the contentment of just being when desires are not pushing us along.

Reflections on Desire and Vipassanā

In giving these instructions today, I'm aware that when we give mindfulness or vipassanā^[5] instructions, sometimes there's almost too much information. It can lend itself to the idea that there's a lot to do, that you have to be busy and keep all this stuff in mind. Hopefully, that's not the result.

In vipassanā practice, we are trying to become wise about how our minds and hearts work, so we can navigate them and find a way to be free, to be at ease, to find peace, and not be so compulsively active in doing and searching. The things I teach are more like the landscape of where we're getting wise over time; they are not an instruction to be busy.

In terms of desire, it's interesting to note that there can be a secondary desire in relationship to having a desire. A strong desire can arise, and then there can be a strong desire for it to go away. Or there can be a desire for some other experience. There can even be a desire to be involved with the desire. I've known people who have fantasies—and fantasies are often desire fantasies—who feel, "I've had a hard day; I deserve to fantasize for a while." So there's a desire for the fantasy.

Fantasies and desires can pull us into their orbit because they come with the feeling or promise of pleasantness. The imagination of great things can make us physically feel pleasant, relaxed, and warm, and we get seduced by the pleasure. We find ourselves wanting more of that good feeling. Sometimes we must step back and ask, "Is there a secondary, underlying desire operating here?"

All in good time. The idea of being still and letting it be is such an important part of this practice because we don't want to be in a hurry to fix anything. Don't be in a hurry to use a technique to somehow overcome things and make it different. It is really powerful to learn to just sit and be still—not being for something, not being against it, not being involved, but also not pushing it away. Just being with it and seeing it clearly.

Then we can begin the examination. A simple way to examine is to go through the four domains of our experience. How is this desire affecting the breathing? Has the breathing gotten contracted, tight, and shallow? How is it in the body? Is the body contracted? Is it getting warm or very pleasant? What is going on with emotions? Maybe fear, loneliness, or a feeling of lack is driving the desire. And what is going on in the mind? Are there certain beliefs, fantasies, or images fueling it?

Again, the goal is not to be busy, but to take your time. I like to think of mindfulness as going at the speed of trust, going at the speed of love. The speed of staying present and aware of what is here operates at the speed of recognition: "Oh, that's what's happening."

Desire is an important part of human life. We're not trying to problematize it or automatically be critical of it. We are trying to become wise about desire, to navigate the world of desire so that it doesn't take away our capacity to be centered, at peace, and at ease.

Final Q&A

So we have about five minutes before ending. I'll take a few questions from the chat. It's kind of fun to have this very interesting relationship with you in this format, sharing something that's very important to me.

Comment: "I really want the quarantine to go away. Big desire."

Yes, there are a lot of people that have that desire. It's a reasonable, appropriate desire to have. But can we not let that big desire take over or make us do unwise things? Can we learn to find our peace with that desire? Maybe the intensity just needs to lessen so it's not so big. We recover something important about ourselves when desire is not in the forefront.

Comment: "Grief is a big hindrance for me, the clinging and not being able to let go. What is a good way to approach this?"

Grief is a powerful emotion. There is healthy grief, and there are ways of grieving which are not so healthy. Part of this discernment over time is learning the difference. One thing about grief is not to collapse into it and not to have self-pity. Meditation is a wonderful laboratory for discovering a different way of grieving: sit in it upright, and do the "riding out the wave" practice very respectfully. Allow the waves of grief to come, but don't collapse into it, don't jump to conclusions, and don't build up a sense of self-pity. Just trust it, keep your posture upright, and allow the waves to wash through. It's also possible to use the BELLA technique with grief.

Another comment on grief: "I also find it hard to let go of grief."

Sometimes grief should not be let go of quickly. Grief is the natural inner process of the heart working through something. Many people in our society have this idea that if you're uncomfortable, or if grief is strong, you're not supposed to be grieving. People unfortunately imply that you should be over it by now. It is very powerful and healthy to allow your grief to arise in meditation. There's something purifying about it; it allows the healing process of the mind to have "good grief," respecting what it is we've lost. I'm not one to be quick to overcome grief. Give it its time; let it be.

Question: "Can desiring Dharma and helping others be an addiction?"

Yes. Too much Dharma, wanting it too much, can become a desperation. We can hold on too tight. People get attached to it for many reasons: they want to be right, they want to hold onto the truth, they hope Buddhism will solve all their problems, they want to be successful, or they want to be the next great Buddhist teacher. There's a lot of intensity there. The same applies to helping others—one can become addicted to helping.

All these things can be respected. We can stop, be still, look at them, and see more fully what's going on. Do the 180-degree turn and look at what it's like to be desiring. Look at the feelings of clinging or compulsion. No longer looking at the object of desire, but turning inward to see its impact on us. A lot of wisdom and freedom can be found by no longer being fixated on the object of desire.

I appreciate these questions very much, and hopefully, answering a few of them is useful. I really value that you're interested in working on these very important, deep, and difficult human energies.

Tomorrow we will talk about the second hindrance: ill will or aversion. In the meantime, I hope that in the next 23 hours, you might make a particular study of how desire works in your life. Have conversations with friends about what you've learned. Look for the subtle, small, and big ways it operates throughout the day. Just learn, and read the Dharma book of your own inner life. Thank you very much.