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Happy Hour: Cultivating Happiness

Ah, hello and welcome again. A warm welcome to each of us, every single one of us. So, for this edition of Happy Hour, I'd like to invite us to explore this idea of happiness.

With practicing mettā^[1], practicing loving-kindness, cultivating goodwill for ourselves and others, the four traditional phrases are: "May you be safe" or "May you feel safe," "May you be happy," "May you be healthy," "May you have ease" or "May you take care of yourself happily." Or "May I," of course. So, the first one having to do with safety. The second one with mental happiness. The third with physical happiness, which is health. And the fourth wish having to do with ease, like our lives flowing with ease, taking care of ourselves happily, kind of in the worldly way.

So last week, we spent some time exploring this idea of offering safety, this wish of safety: "May I feel safe," "May I be safe," "May you be safe," "Feel safe," etc. We took some time exploring that, just landing with that. Like, what does that mean? What does that open up? And based on your reflections, dear sangha^[2], it seems to have been an impactful and helpful exploration to just really stay with this. I see some nods, yes, thank you. Just really stay with this safety. Explore that first wish of mettā as the basis for everything else. And if you're wondering what that was, you can go to AudioDharma, and it's recorded Wednesday and Friday of last week.

So now, the invitation is, okay, let's consider, let's hang out a little bit and explore, as we cultivate our hearts in goodness and goodwill, this wish for happiness: "May I be happy," "May you be happy," "May I have a heart full of joy," "May you have a heart full of joy."

So, happiness, on face value, yes, it seems pretty basic. We want to be happy. We want others, people who we care about—we can start there, people who we care about—we want them to be happy. There's a sense of reflective joy, reflected happiness. And some people might say the goal of life is to be happy. Some might say that. And in some ways, also, let's consider that if the goal is just to be happy in and of itself, the goal of life is just to be happy by any means necessary, then it can become really contracted.

Whereas various studies point out that when we actually are engaged, there's a sense of engagement, purpose, kind of being engaged in our lives, and many other factors, then a sense of happiness arises. So the point I want to make is that when we wish ourselves happiness, when we wish others happiness here, to really bring this nuanced awareness that it's not a grabby, attached-to-outcome, "May I be happy. I still want to be happy. I'm so miserable, I want to be happy." Oh, that can actually make the heart more contracted.

Or if we were wishing it for others: "May you be happy. I so want you to be happy. You're a dear person to me. I want you to be happy. I'm going to call you afterwards and see if you're happy now because I've been wishing you happiness. Did it work? Did it last for 30 minutes?"

So when it's grabby, when there's tightness, there is such tight attachment to the outcome. Oh, the heart gets squeezed. The real happiness gets squashed even though we might be wishing happiness. So considering that this wish for happiness is really an offering, it's a gift. It's an invocation. It's a lightness. "May you be happy, may you be happy." It's a gift of generosity. It's a gift of goodness with no strings attached that we offer others.

And similarly, let's see what it feels like when we offer it to ourselves with this invocation: "May I be happy, may this heart of mine contain joy." And let it be an aspiration. An aspiration uplifts our heart. Instead of "May I be happy, may I be happy, I'm wishing myself to be happy," right? You feel the difference. I'm making a bit of a caricature, but it can be true. After we do it for a while, some contraction could be like, "Oh, I'm doing mettā and I'm realizing, gosh, I'm really miserable doing mettā." Oh, well, notice how you're doing it. What's the emotion with which you're doing it? The relationship, the way we're doing it. It's not just the object but the relationship, the way.

So, well, I've said plenty to set the context, and we'll just hang out with this wish for happiness and feel it in our bones, bring it up, etc. But yeah, let's keep that frame in mind. So without further ado, let's start practicing together.

Guided Meditation

Inviting you to get into your meditation posture. Landing in your body. You could be sitting or lying down, no difference. See what your body needs. And whether sitting or lying down, let there be a sense of integrity to your spine, for your spine to be straight.

Landing in the body. And gently, if it's comfortable for you, closing the eyes, turning your gaze inward. Resting. Resting, landing.

Spend the first part of the practice just arriving. Connecting with the breath in the body to settle the mind. To arrive. Bringing awareness to your lower abdomen. Letting the breath be received in the lower abdomen. Received on its own, one breath at a time. You don't have to pick up breathing as a chore or a task. It's been happening all this time, just let it unfold simply. Receive. Let awareness, as if awareness is a butterfly, resting, resting on your abdomen. Rising and falling with the breath. The natural wave. This is the wave of the ocean, rising and falling.

And with each out-breath, ah, let go. Let go some more. Ah, let the body soften. All the muscles in the face, neck, and shoulders. Arms, hands, chest. Abdomen, sit bones. Legs, offering their weight to the earth.

When thoughts arise as they will, and it's okay, gently, smilingly whisper to them in your mind: "Thank you, but not now. I'm giving my heart, my whole body, my mind to this practice. In this moment, taking refuge, as if taking a mini-vacation. Please come back later. Thank you. Not now, not now."

Hanging out intimately, lovingly with the breath and the body for a few more minutes.

Not now. Not now. Here. Here.

The breath received, nourishing the whole body.

Appreciation for this moment of just sitting or lying down and breathing. The simplicity of it. The refuge.

Now, as we continue to receive the breath in the body, the abdomen, the lower body, a sense of embodiment. Here. Here, connected to the earth. Conjuring up, bringing to our embodied, mind-filled sense the image of someone who is dear to us. We have a simple relationship with them, ideally, someone we care for and we want them to be happy. Ideally someone who's alive, for this particular practice. Choose someone who's alive right now. Someone whose presence makes you feel safe, there's a sense of ease. Maybe when you consider this person or this being—it could be a pet or a child—maybe a smile shows up on your face. You wish them well. There is a natural goodwill, a natural sense of connection with this being.

Bring them to mind as clearly as possible. Hearing their voice or sound if you're auditory. If you're visual, seeing them in action, moving as if they're in front of you. Noticing what comes up in your heart. Just a simple wish for well-being, happiness for this being.

For the purpose of this practice, as we explore, maybe imagine them with a sense of happiness and well-being. Like they are fully inhabiting their body, their goodness. They're shining, they're shining. This sense of happiness. Perhaps contentment. Just imagining so we feel into it. Knowing that there also might be areas of this dear person's life which right now are challenging, because all of our lives, there are aspects, we all have aspects that are challenging. It's part of the human condition.

So as we wish them happiness, it's not that we're trying to push away or make those challenges go away. We acknowledge their challenges, and yet from the goodness of our heart, we offer this wish without any strings attached. Whatever the condition is right now for them, some happiness. A moment ago we imagined them happy just to feel into it, and now letting them be in their natural condition and sharing this wish as a gift from our heart.

"May you be happy. May you be happy, dear one. I wish you happiness. Acknowledging full well, knowing that there are challenges in your life, in everyone's life, and I share wholeheartedly without attachment, without clinging. I give you this gift of my goodwill, my love for you, my care for you. May you be happy. I wish you happiness. May your heart have joy. May it beam. I wish that for you. May you be happy, dear one."

Continuing to connect with their felt sense, with their image, and your heart's connection to them. Notice your connection to this being. Your goodwill for this being. "May you be happy. May you be joyful."

"May you be happy. May you be joyful. May your heart beam with gladness. I wish that for you, dear one."

And notice when you connect, when there's engagement of your heart with wishing another well, another being happy, to be happy. How there is reflected happiness in your own heart showing up. Notice if you feel a little more glad, more happy through offering this generous wish of happiness to another. Notice if it's the case. Offering the gift of happiness, this wish makes us happier. This engagement, indirectly.

And now imagining this dear being with their goodwill for you. They wish you happiness. They have goodwill for you. They offer it as a free gift, generosity of heart, and let yourself receive the gift. Even if you may think you don't deserve it. Your mind is getting in your way, receive the gift. The kindest response to generosity is to receive it fully. Not deflect.

Imagining this dear being saying the phrases of mettā for you: "May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be joyful." Let yourself receive it. Receiving this blessing, this gift in your whole body. Dropped in not just to your head but your whole body, receiving the gift. "May you be happy. May you be joyful. May your heart beam with gladness." Whatever the conditions of my life in this moment, I receive this wish.

And notice how sometimes if we're a bell, these wishes can strike the bell, the right resonance. Ah, something might awaken. A sense of appreciation, gladness in our heart. Receiving the generosity, we might feel glad. From a person, from a being who cares about us.

And now adding your own voice to those of the dear being, wishing yourself happiness: "May I be happy. May I have joy in my heart." Not in the clingy, grabby way, but just wishing yourself goodness with generosity, this being that is you. Letting it be an aspiration. "May I be happy, with all the conditions of my life. All the goodness in my life, all the challenges in my life, may I be happy." I wish myself happiness not in spite of, but together with all of it. It is possible to have a heart of gladness in the midst of it all. In the midst of it all, of course.

Letting yourself be showered by your dear being and yourself. "May this being that is me, who is me, may they experience joy, for the sake of myself and for the sake of others, in service of myself and others. May this being who is me be happy. Glad."

Turning the generosity outward. Both inward and outward. Letting this light, this goodness shine from your heart, touching yourself first and then touching others. Beaming all over the world: "May all beings, including myself, may all beings be happy." Knowing full well that in this moment some beings are happy, some beings aren't. And yet offering this wish generously. Generously. "May all beings everywhere, I wish for every being to be happy." Generosity of my heart. "May all beings everywhere have gladness." Not keeping it for myself or just my loved ones, but generously wishing it for everyone.

As if you're sharing these flower petals, streaming them, throwing them. Blessings all over the world, the globe. Notice if your own heart feels more full, more glad sharing. Sharing goodness, wishing it for others. Serving others in your mind, in your heart, and through that becoming more glad.

"May all beings everywhere, including myself, be happy. May all beings everywhere, including myself, be free."

Thank you all for your practice.

Reflections

So wishing gladness. Wishing gladness for others, for those we hold dear, for ourselves, receiving it from others, sharing it with all beings everywhere. So much to explore, so much to discover in this practice, and I'd love to hear your reflections. If you'd like to type them in the chat, if you type them to everyone publicly, I'll say your name as I read them. If it's just to me, it'll be private; I can read them but not say your name, or it could be just private to me, I won't read it out. Or you can raise your hand and unmute yourself and share.

What did you discover in this practice, your relationship to gladness, wishing it for others, for yourself? Did you notice when you were wishing—maybe I'll plant a question. Ah, great, now I guess please, John.

John: Thank you, Nikki. Let me open my video too. Hello. So one thing I realized was that as I was pushing happiness for myself and for others, is that I realized how my mind is conditioned to think I can only be happy if I have certain things, like if I have health, or if I have a partner, or if I have a certain body. And then I realized that it is very beautiful, this practice, you are not conditioning on anything. It's saying just go directly to the happiness, because I'm sure if we achieve those, we find other goals to postpone our happiness too. That was very nice.

Nikki: Brilliant, brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful insight. Exactly. "I'll be happy only when..." Only when. It's so common. We are conditioned exactly, "Oh yes, I can't be happy." And yes, no actually, I can be happy with all the conditions of my life because there will always be something. Joseph Goldstein^[3], a famous teacher in this tradition, says, "If it's not one thing, it's another." There's always one thing or another, there's always something. So yes, we can be happy with all the conditions. Beautiful. Thank you. Nerius and Linda, thanks to you too for your insight. Thank you. Mark, please.

Mark: I have been taken by a line I read this afternoon. Etty Hillesum^[4], who died at Auschwitz at the age of 29, wrote: "If you don't understand why you're here, that all outer experiences are like a passing show, as nothing beside the great splendor inside us, then things can look very bleak here indeed." 29 years old.

Nikki: Thank you, Mark. Hmm, I am so touched by that. Thank you for bringing that in. So wise, so wise. There's so much in that quote to explore, so many teachings. It could be a whole one-hour-long dharma talk. There is so much there to explore. Yeah, there's so much to explore in that. It's both the freedom inside—you know, really the freedom inside—and this passing show that she talks about is really an insight into impermanence, into emptiness. Many mystics have practiced like, "Oh yes, there is a world, and yet it's a passing show." There can be so much freedom inside, in spite of conditions. Thank you for bringing that in, Mark. Thank you so much. Thank you.

And Marie Christine asks for a copy of that quote. If you're part of the Google groups, if you wanted to share it on the groups or in chat, that'd be lovely. I think the sangha would appreciate it. Thank you, Mark.

Alana says, "Exploring how nature can be a benefactor." Yes, yes, absolutely. Beautiful, thanks for bringing that in.

And one private reflection: "Thoughts of the person I was trying to give mettā to already being happy—happy enough—kept coming up." Ah, um, so was that supporting your practice, or was it becoming a block? You're welcome to unmute yourself if you'd like to reflect, or if you want to type in the chat you're welcome to. But maybe I'll say something. If it came up in terms of, "Oh, they were happy enough, they don't need my wish," notice if that's an edge. Because we're practicing this generosity as a generosity of our heart. As a generosity of our heart, again, not attached to the conditions outside. And in fact, if they're happy, then it could become the practice of muditā^[5], happiness for another person's happiness. So the generosity could be explained that way.

"Got it. Hindering," yes, you wrote, "yes." So in that way, see if it actually can be the edge of the practice of muditā, vicarious joy, happy for other people's happiness, because that's where you're ending up with this practice, it sounds like. Yeah.

And another reflection: "Depression is frequently my companion. Practicing receiving someone's wish for my happiness made me believe in it a little more." Yay, beautiful. That's very sweet, that makes my heart happy, hearing how that landed.

So, dear ones, let's turn now to practicing in small groups. And the invitation is to start with 30 seconds of wishing happiness for each other, and then share as much or as little as you like to share about your practice. Holding each other with kindness, holding each other with safety. So here's where the rubber meets the road, and I'm opening the groups. Here we go.

[Small group breakout session]

Okay, all the rooms are closed and everyone is back. Welcome back, everyone. So we've got a couple of minutes for reflections on what you noticed when practicing together, especially if you haven't spoken yet or haven't spoken for a while, I would love to hear your reflections, please. Don't be shy. What did you notice? Yes, Ariana, please.

Ariana: Hello, hi. I was just sharing at the very end—I was chatting with you earlier and had a difficult time during the meditation. But when I came into the room, those first 30 seconds of giving mettā to the others in the room, that was just wonderful. That was so... it felt just so easy and so natural, whereas the meditation did not as much for me today, unfortunately.

Nikki: Yay! Yay, that just makes me so happy. Thank you so much for sharing that because that is so important, right? Both to see that and also to allow yourself to be beautifully witnessed in this way, and for the benefit of others. Because both parts are practice. The first part is practiced silently, and the second part is practiced in community. And both parts are just as important. And sometimes, yes, the first one kind of prepares us, it does us in a way we can't quite... just like, yeah, maybe we think it's not working, but something is working, and then you go into this community and oh wow, it just, it's flowing, it flows with ease. So I'm just, I'm filled with joy, with happiness hearing your practice report. Thanks for sharing that, Ariana. That's lovely.

And Sarah says, "Well said with a heart." Yes, beautiful. Thank you, Sarah, dear.

And Neil says, "The practice was lovely and the conversation was nurturing and intimate." Oh, who could ask for anything more?

Thanks everyone. Thank you all for showing up, for practicing for ourselves, for others, and for the whole world. We don't do this practice just for ourselves. So may all beings be happy, may all beings be well.

Thanks everyone for showing up and practicing.