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Wise Speech (2 of 5) Is it Timely?

So, again, greetings. Today I'll talk about the second of the five criteria—I'd like to call them questions—for how we speak, what we say.

The first one yesterday that the Buddha gave can be presented with the question: Is what I'm about to say true? This idea of truth and what is true, of course, can be very quickly complicated. It is philosophically complicated, and if you really get into the philosophy of it, you can tie yourself in knots pretty quickly.

But for people who practice mindfulness, what is most true is what we experience directly for ourselves. To state truly what we're actually experiencing, to the best of our understanding, is very different than interpreting what's happening out in the world.

For example, yesterday an event happened where I felt confused and frazzled. I noticed that I started thinking about or interpreting what was going on for the other people, for the other situation, and trying to make sense of it. I realized very quickly that I didn't have enough information to really know what was going on there, and all my ideas were interpretations. Though sometimes they felt very compelling—the interpretations I had, as if I was right—what I could recognize is what I really knew and what was most true. What was most actual for me is that I was frazzled and confused.

When I recognized that, then things became a lot simpler. This is true; this is what I know. I've learned that in conversations where there's conflict, to stay close to what's actually happening here with me and state that—rather than state interpretations, assigning blame, or criticism to what was going on—opens possibilities for the conversation generally to open and unfold.

Many years ago, I was a graduate student, and I remember having a very tense time with the chairman of the department. I was really angry with him, and he came to see me. So I very carefully told him, "When you did X, when you said X, what happened to me is I became filled with anger." I was actually filled with it at that moment, and it was obvious I wasn't hiding from it. Because I was just saying actually what's happening to me here, it was not a criticism of him, and he actually didn't take it as a criticism. So we could have the conversation. I think he felt remorseful; he felt like, okay, maybe he did something wrong. There was space for him to relax around it that wouldn't have been there if I had told him my interpretation of what he had done.

So this idea of staying true is very close to mindfulness practice. It is very much close to staying close to what's actually happening for ourselves. And then if it's more than that, we want to be true, as I said yesterday, to be truthful. Preserve the truth, safeguard the truth. We want to state the basis or the source from which we've gotten what we're saying: "This is my interpretation. This is what I've heard. This is what I've read. This is what I believe. This is what I have faith in. This is what I've reasoned out; maybe my reasoning is not quite right, but let me tell you this is my reasoning so far."

That's closer to the actual of what's happening here for us, and then a person can participate very differently than if we make declarative statements.

Is It Timely?

So that's a little bit repeating yesterday: the idea that the first criteria is, is it true? Is it actual? The second is, is it timely? Is it the right time to say something? Something might be true, but it's not really the time to say it.

I've known people who have specifically asked for feedback for something they've done, but they've said very clearly, "I would like feedback, but I don't want it right after I've done it. I would like to wait a day. I'm just too open, too vulnerable right after I've done what I did. I want feedback, but after a day I'll be in a different state, more settled, and I'll be able to receive it in a useful way."

We can see with our friends, our colleagues, our neighbors, and people that there might be things we need to talk about, but is it really the time to talk about it? If we have a neighbor we're in conflict with because of some fence that's troublesome between our properties, and the neighbors just had a death in the family, that's probably not the time to go talk to them about the fence.

So, we wait until things are settled. If someone just comes home from work and is frazzled, or is somehow confused or tired, that might not be the time to convey some difficult piece of information to that person. We wait to when it is time. This ability to choose the wise time to say something is a really important skill.

Some of you—and I've discovered this in myself—know that there are times where I don't give myself time, lots of time in which to speak, like future time, because there's an impulse. A strong impulse I have to say it now. I have to say my opinion; I have to get across what's going on.

Because we have these bottled-up emotions sometimes related to a situation, we're often looking for a release of that bottled-up energy, a release of that tension. Speaking sometimes quickly or speaking immediately is sometimes more about releasing that personal tension or trying to fix things for ourselves than it is really being wise about how to speak and when to speak in a situation.

That means for mindfulness practitioners, we have mindfulness as a tool to help work with the inner pressures and the inner tensions we have so they don't get bottled up. So we don't get stuck with them. We can recognize what's happening and make space for it, feel what's happening so things move through us. Or perhaps tell ourselves the truth, saying, "Wow, there's a lot of pressure here to speak. There's a lot of need to kind of get my two cents in. Okay, let me feel that pressure, that push. Let me make space for it. Let me question whether this is the time to really speak right now."

Living In Time vs. Living By Time

So, is it timely? It's true, but is it the right time? Am I living in time, or am I being pushed by time? Am I living by time?

That plays out in conversations. If we're interrupting a lot, if we want to get our word in too quickly and don't give the other person a chance to speak, then we're living by time, as what we might want to say has to be now. As opposed to living in time, where what I have to say, there's time for it. I can say it at some point.

There's a certain kind of empowerment that comes when we realize we live in time, and there will be a time to say what we need to say. A time that's effective, a time that it can be heard, a time when the conditions have come into place so we can really make a difference in the conversation, make a difference in the situation, so that it's a healthy thing to do.

So, is it time? What is it the time for right now? Sometimes what time is for is to give time. To make space, to make temporal space so that there's silence, so that there is room for people to feel, to speak, for things to unfold and to settle.

This idea of "is it timely?" is also part of this idea of: can we use time as part of the process? Can we use time to open up the field? Can we pause? Can we slow down?

There were conversations yesterday where I was also confused with what was going on, and I asked specifically, "Can we slow down? I need to kind of track this and build what is happening step by step. Can we slow down?"

Not to rush, not to be caught in time, but to make more time. This idea of making time and giving time to things—it can seem like we don't have time for it, and you have to get on to the next thing. It's possible that by giving more time, things actually are done more effectively. If we give more time to things, there's sometimes less follow-up, less processing that has to happen afterwards.

So this whole idea of time: living in time as opposed to living by time. Or to be in charge of your time, as opposed to having time in charge of you. To make room, temporal room, lots of time. We live in vast time, abundant time. The only reason we don't live in the vastness and abundance of time is because of our attachments, our clinging, our hurry, our needs. We define time to a great degree. We kind of make time.

Reflections from a Zen Monastery

I'd like to end with some really important learning that I had around time and being in a hurry.

For about nine months or one year, I worked in the kitchen at the Zen monastery. For nine of those months, I was the manager of the kitchen and was responsible for getting the food out and food made on time. A Zen monastery is a very choreographed life; it's a very scheduled life. So meals have to be ready not just generally at noon, but at a very exact time, like by the minute. It has to be ready because there's all this choreographed behavior that has to happen to get the food into the meditation hall, people sitting there in meditation posture waiting for it, and so forth.

In a sense, there was some time pressure to have it at the right time. Lunch was the big meal of the day, and every day about 15 minutes before lunch was supposed to be served, the whole kitchen crew was required to stop, go to the little kitchen altar, and chant scriptures, chant the Heart Sutra^[1].

As a kitchen manager, I would often feel, "We can't do that. We don't have time for that," or, "They can do it; I'm going to keep working so we can be on time with the food." But it was required, so I would go and do it. And every time where I felt we didn't have time, after we finished chanting, it felt like we had a lot more time. And meals were generally always on time.

I learned from that, even to this day, if I feel like I don't have enough time for something, if I have a lot of things going on and start feeling a certain kind of inner tension around that, I've learned that the best thing I can do is to do less. I like to go and meditate, even for five or ten minutes. And even with such a short meditation time, I come out of the meditation, and lo and behold, I feel like I have lots of time.

This kind of weird metamorphosing of time and the fluidity of time is really obvious. When you feel harried, you have very little time. And then somehow you can open up and fill out; there is time. There's lots of time.

So maybe you can give lots of time to your conversations and learn to ask the question: Is this the right time to speak? Is this the right time to say what I'm about to say, or might there be a better time?

Thank you, and may you have lots of time today for all the things you're going to do, or not do. I look forward to continuing this theme tomorrow.