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Brahmavihāras: Equanimity (2 of 5)

Good day. I suddenly find myself feeling quite happy to sit here because of the topic of equanimity, the brahmavihāras^[1], that I'll be speaking about. This is the second talk in this series on equanimity. As a form of care for others, an attitude of caregiving, kindness, and goodwill for others, equanimity is when that goodwill is equanimous, not reactive, or not agitated. It is when that goodwill is not influenced by any kind of pursuit of desire or wanting something, and not caught up in repulsion, pushing away, or not wanting something.

This comes into play particularly importantly when it's hard to have goodwill for people. It's hard to have pure love or kindness for people because of the circumstances they're in. For example, when people make choices for themselves that are not for their own benefit. To have equanimity for people who make choices that harm themselves—that is their choice and their agency. It is their choice to make. Even if the choices they are making are unconscious, the choice is their own. How our goodwill comes into play when people are making poor choices is part of the domain of this brahmavihāra of equanimity.

Certainly, we can feel compassion for people. But the idea of trying and wanting to help them when they are making choices that go in the opposite direction can be exhausting for the person who is compassionate, and perhaps pointless. To have appreciative joy for their joy when we know they're making bad choices and that suffering is coming is also challenging for the person who is wise and sees what's going on. However, to be able to see this person making unfortunate choices going in a poor direction, and yet say, "I still keep my heart open to them, I still have this goodwill and care about them," is important. I harm myself if I get agitated by it, if I get contracted around it, or if I keep pushing to be compassionate and try everything I can to help the person. Or if I go along and celebrate with them when what they're doing is actually quite harmful, even though they have a kind of joy. So, how not to harm ourselves with our goodwill is a little bit the domain of equanimity.

The word equanimity in Pali^[2] is upekkhā^[3]. It comes from the root verb to see, to view, to observe. The etymology of the word means to have an overview of the situation. I think of it as a bird's-eye view. So it is to not be lost in the details of everything, but to have the overview of everything, so we can see it with wisdom and see the bigger picture, not getting caught in the details.

For example, there are times when people will do you a favor and warn you. Imagine you come to work or someplace and a colleague says, "I had a really difficult night last night. It's very hard. I have family who has COVID, and people are dying," or "My child was up all night throwing up and having a fever." They come to work and say, "I had a hard time and I'm really irritable," and you say, "Oh, thank you for telling me." Then, if they express some irritable tendency, you're much more forgiving of them. You say, "Oh, they've had a hard time." You have the overview of why they are the way they are. You have more space for them to be that way. They've been kind enough to warn you and let you know, and so you kind of get out of the way. Okay, that's just how they are today. You feel for them and have compassion for them, so you're equanimous about how they maybe say a mean thing, or they cut you off going to the bathroom, or whatever it might be. In that sense, it's an overview of the situation, a bigger picture of it, and so we're more equanimous and more at ease.

So, upekkhā is a wisdom factor where our understanding of the situation is really useful for having that equanimity. Simply holding ourselves in an equanimous way is probably not so helpful, because holding and assuming something which is not really true for ourselves can also be exhausting and harmful. We have to begin finding how to have that bigger picture, how to have the view and understanding of circumstances and of other people, so that when we have goodwill for them, when it is appropriate, we have equanimity. This means we don't get agitated, restless, upset, or contracted.

One of the classic teachings in Buddhism is that everyone has their actions as their own. Your actions are your own actions. No matter your circumstances or where you find yourself in life, there are a lot of unfortunate things that happen to people. We get sick in all kinds of ways, or we end up living in a war zone, or a car drives into us. We're doing nothing wrong, but someone else maybe is not paying attention, they run into us, and we're injured. It is not our choice to have these things happen. But we have a lot of choices in how we choose to respond to any of that, how we choose to live our lives. We're always at a moment of choice.

When we are practicing mindfulness, we start seeing the places of choice more and more. We notice that there are actually a lot of choices moment by moment. If we're not mindful, we're just on automatic pilot. We don't see that we have choices about how we stand, how we look at people, when we speak, when we don't speak, or how much food we eat or don't eat. We're on automatic pilot; a habit, craving, or aversion comes into play, and it's driving the boat. We are not in charge. But when we see the place of choice because it's clear in the quiet, open, mindful mind, then when we exercise that choice, the consequences of that choice are up to us.

If I see a thorn sticking up out of the ground, I know it's there, and I choose to step on it, and if I cut my foot and there is blood, that was my choice because I chose to step on it. That's a dramatic example, but if you see you have a choice about what you're going to say, and you feel angry and you're going to use a swear word with someone, you clearly have a choice. If you say the swear word and the person gets angry back, that's partly a consequence of your choice that that happened. Or if that person walks away and doesn't want to talk to you, that was partly a consequence of your choice. But if you see that choice, then you can say, "Wait a minute, I have a choice here. What choice do I want to live by? What is my deepest choice? What are the deepest values I want to live by here? What's most important for me?" You can pause, look, and choose what that is.

We also see that other people have choice as well, and we can't be in charge of the choices other people make. We might support them, help them, advise them—all kinds of things we might do—but ultimately, people make their own choices. When they make choices which are not wise for them, it's their consequences they're going to have to live with. If those consequences are unfortunate, it's heartbreaking sometimes. But we must not get our goodwill and our love for them tied up and dependent on the choices they make, so that we don't exhaust ourselves with our compassion, or regret the ways in which we celebrate with them. To have goodwill with this overview of looking at people, we might see that the people we love and care for are making unwise choices. We have to be generous enough to give people the autonomy and the dignity of making their own choices, and then they have to live with the consequences. I will offer what support I can; I'll try to be supportive, but I'm not going to be responsible for all the consequences of their poor choices. They're going to have to live that out themselves to some degree. Exactly to what degree we're involved has a lot to do with the consequences we think will come about by offering our support. If we think we can actually turn the boat in a new direction or support them to come to a new way of living, maybe it's really great to offer a lot to them. But we must be very careful that we don't harm ourselves in that process.

This is why mindfulness is so important: to really track ourselves and see what's going on inside of ourselves. We have choice; we make choices as well. Can we choose the peaceful choices? It doesn't mean passive or uninvolved choices. It means whatever choice we make, can we do so without the negative alternatives to equanimity? Can we do it without pursuit, without chasing something, wanting something, and getting caught up in that need for something to happen? Can we do it without repulsion, contraction, aversion, pushing away, closing down, or pulling away in horror? Can we do it without being restless and agitated? Can we do it with the mind at ease? If the mind is at ease, then goodwill has equanimity, and it becomes the equanimity brahmavihāra.

I'll read you a very famous passage—it's almost used liturgically in Buddhism—about understanding and appreciating people's place of choice. Beings have actions, which I take as being choices, as their own. They have actions as their refuge, they have actions as their heritage, and they have actions as their closest relative, as what they're connected to^[4]. So, actions and choice are closely related here. Be careful with the choices you make. Do not be hamstrung, inhibited, or passive in a negative way. Use your choices so that whatever you do in the world, you do without hurting yourself. Stay at ease, stay peaceful, and stay equanimous in a way that allows the best qualities of who you are to be shared with the world. Thank you very much.